#75 Cell Phone Ban

The new, “No talky on celly when drivey” law has entered the cockpits of our Toyota Priuses effective January 1st, 2010. Since I’m a super liberal hippie that uses Tri-Met rather than drive anywhere, I thought this was a fantastic idea! When I think of a world where drivers are acting more responsibly and forced to become aware of their surroundings, I believed that Oregon roads would become more safe. Then it finally hit me. People are selfish. A man running late to reach his daughter’s recital, will still text his wife in the middle of traffic. The “Woo Girl” can’t help but text the guy that she met at Aura on Friday night who was super cute and his friends were nice too… while rollin on Cedar Hills Boulevard. What will the cell phone ban really accomplish?

We have all heard about the UK transportation study in 2008 that showed texting is worse than driving drunk. The ban was specifically directed towards restricting a driver’s ability to use his mobile device, so they can focus on the road. I believe, the law was created to protect victims of motor vehicle accidents caused by a driver using his mobile device. Now, how in the world are you going to figure that out? “Yes, officer. He was texting which caused him to run that stop sign and T-bone me.” Stupid.

The real world applications of 3G phones are to provide more flexibility when we are away from the computer. Google Maps, GPS, Twitter, Facebook, Pandora, 4Square, Scrabble, the list of apps could go on forever. Some of these apps provide us with valuable information which improve our ability to operate our hybrids. This mobile ban has crippled the effectiveness of the motor vehicle operator. What’s wrong with being stuck in traffic and using your iPhone to find an alternate route?

This new law is a joke and an insult to good drivers everywhere. Bad drivers are stupid people. Stupid people will text that they are late to the club while driving after drinking five beers. West Linn soccer mom is still going to check her Facebook status while waiting at a stop light. A mid-30’s Vice President cannot help but check Twitter updates driving down the I-5 corridor in their tinted window luxury car. The State of Oregon has passed yet another law affecting all of the normal folks because of the actions by a few idiots.

#74 Clear WiMAX

After spending the past six months with the Clear wireless experiment, it’s time to bash the hell out of an experience that can best be summed up as “worse than Comcast.”*

It all started with my 1920’s house located a block away from the Clear WiMAX tower. I noticed it while walking to my favorite happy hour spot on a lovely April afternoon. After listening to the massive marketing efforts, I decided to look into this new 4G wireless network (Remember, I live in an old house with two prong electrical outlets and no cable jacks). The initial setup took 30 minutes from Clear’s store to my computer. For something technological to just work amazed me, and I was certain that this experience would continue.

After the first two months went by, I noticed from 5-8pm the Internet would crawl. This is when I decided to upgrade my 3 mbs home plan to 6 megabits per second. The customer service rep assured me faster speeds. Mind you, I love hating Comcast (it’s like hating Microsoft, At&t, and the Lakers) so never having to deal with them brought happiness to my soul.

Everything appeared to be working faster during the day but I was still noticing problems at night. Streaming Netflix just crawled at night. That’s when I was introduced to a new friend called speedtest.net.  This one free  site introduced me to the real world of Clear. Not only had I never received 3 or 6 megabits/second during internet use, spending $10 more for the upgrade didn’t even matter.  I would never come close to 3 megabits during “peak hours”. Clear customer support would never fully answer this question, but I was informed to reach optimum speeds you must:

• Receive a five bar single (Since I live 1/2 a block away from a tower, I always get 4-5 bars)
• Disable your anti-virus software
• Don’t use a wireless router
• Plug straight into the Clear box

Now that is just ridiculous  so I decided to test it using a wireless router and Speedtest.net’s iPhone app.  Here are the results:

Results using a PC with Anti-Virus software turned on and plugged directly into the Clear box:

Now here is the kicker. Ten minutes after this speed test, I lost Clear service entirely for an hour. When I called Clear’s support line I received an automated message that they were aware of problems in my coverage area. Portlanders, you DO have a problem in your area; Clear WiMAX.

*To be fair, Comcast does own a large stake in Clear

Portland’s Bike Culture

This is a fantastic video that shows how “hard” our Portland cyclist community rolls. If you like spandex and male packages, this video is for you… wait, I mean, if you like Bike Rap. When you think about it, this really should be Portland’s new anthem replacing that old crappy Bust-A-Bucket rap. This is much more hard.

Thanks to @ryanbuch from eroidays.com for the link.

FYI, in Portland, biker means cyclist.  In every other American city, biker means “one who rides a motorcycle.”

#73 Whole Foods

Expensive, expensive, expensive & expensive. Walking the aisle of Whole Foods will amaze most people with their great selection of both brand name and small market niches. But once you reach the unprofessional hippie clerk at check out, you might choke on your processed spearmint gum. Whole Foods and Wild Oats are an experiment in “how much will college-educated people pay for food”. This brilliant capitalistic exercise has turned me into somewhat of a boycotter.

I’m tired with people mentioning their Whole Paycheck experience. It makes me want to vomit when I hear talk about how much their pasta salad lunch cost. You seriously think the “make your own sandwich” is better than a deli? All natural, organic and whole foods don’t taste bad to me. Somehow, 365 has found a way to consistently provide me with the worst food ever.

There is no reason to shop at Whole Foods… ever. Do you want to support the local farmer? Then go to any of the amazing Co-Ops we have throughout PDX. The “local” farmers who provide produce to Whole Foods are actually packing sheds hundred miles away from town. Organic produce does not provide more nutrients than real produce. Could you imagine a world where all produce is organic? Humanity would die of starvation the minute a disease hits. By pissing away your money for a perceived notion of health, you are supporting starvation in the world.*

You being fat and lazy isn’t going to be remedied by whole food. So, you hike every weekend. Big deal! Try enjoying a healthy diet rather than eating crappy food because its “organic and all natural”. 365 Wheat Pasta is still going to make your ass look fat in 7’s. Since November ‘07, I have been Whole Foods/Wild Oats free. I’m happy to say that I’m still alive after eating normal foods.

*I’m allowed one ridiculous argument a year

#72 Beer Snobs

As I sit here looking at these two beautiful Laurelhurst and Lompoc pints of beer, I harken back to the days of my first microbrew. It was a delicious Black Butte Porter on the day after my first Fall term final. My friend advised me about the taste and how it would change my life forever. Sipping each chocolaty/soy-saucy drop led me down the road of dark, thick beer. This single moment made me realize that I could never go back to drinking crappy PBR. Of course, beer pong would change all that, but my mind was now open to the idea of paying $8/six pack of beer.

Now that I saw the big picture through the bottom of a microbrew glass, I wanted to taste more… I needed to taste more. Brew fests, Blues Fests, Easter Beer hunts, brewery tours, even at one point I tried to brew my own stout (It tasted like mud water). Throughout these micro-adventures I would be introduced to a group of people that deserve their own classification.

Beer snobs are much like your Portland hippie. They live to be free from the social norms established by society. Five shirts, three cargo shorts/pants and Keen footwear is all they need for their wardrobe. No matter the environment, their thick husky beards will protect them from any weather. Although most of them are large bears, some have taken a liking to outdoor sports. Their motto: “Dead Guy is always served best after a hike on Dog Mountain”.

However, NEVER confuse the beer snob with a wine snob. Unlike wine snobs, who are usually rich and affluent, beer snobs thrive on having a unique taste unlike any other human on this planet. One could be an executive of an interactive agency in town. Another could be a Hood River ski bum. No matter what their background, they will forever argue about which organic beer is better. So what’s the only thing they can agree on? Light beer was created by women, for men.

Since BBP first hit my lips, I’m proud to say I love microbrews. I’m pretty sure I’ve been to more microbreweries west of the Mississippi than 75% of the American population. But most days, I couldn’t even imagine drinking a Blackfoot Bitter. All I want is a cool, cold refreshing Coors Light on my front porch. So to you Mr. Beer Snob, I could care less that I’m drinking a wussies beer. I may not share your unique taste, but at least I don’t share your smell.