#42 Air Conditioning

It happens every year. We spend all of our time complaining about rainy weather and how we just “Need some sun”. The clouds are causing depression in every Portlander and unless some serious ecological change occurs, we’re moving to California. Then… out of the blue… the first heat wave hits. Our entire city changes from wet-frowning hipsters to heat-exhausted zombies.

Walk the streets after the first wave and you’ll find the living dead aimlessly shuffling around. They have just spent the past 8 hours sweating their entire life away, tossing and turning through the very covers that kept them warm throughout eight months of 30-45 degree nights. Never did they consider this drastic weather change would occur, even though it happened to us the year before.

The same goes for retail shops, restaurants and bars. Smaller establishments (which tend to be a Portland natives’ favorite) forgo air conditioning due to the costs associated to it. Therefore we are limited to AC-only locations just to take a break from the life-sucking heat. Our options include movie theaters, box stores, creepy Jamieson Square park and malls. Who hasn’t purchased a worthless item in Fred Meyer to beat the heat? I hate Fred Meyer.

As I aimlessly walk Portland streets because I cannot fit an adequate air conditioning unit in my home, I find myself longing for a drop of rain. If you too suffer from this phenomenon, I recommend Barflymag.com as your NUMBER ONE resource for air conditioned restuarants, bars or pubs. Stay cool!

Things About Portland I Like: Recesstime Sports Leagues

I’m not very sure about the history of Recesstime Sports Leagues, but I’m pretty sure I freakin’ love it.

I think it first began with a vision (they always do).  Creative genius, Colleen W. Finn, had a serious passion for drinking and athletics.  Then, in one masterful conception, she found a way to unite the two for this current generation.

21-35 year olds don’t want to bowl for money because we all still suck at it… but will if its for free pitchers of beer.  The thought of playing kickball, a “sport” we grew up with, would seem ridiculously boring… unless we got drunk doing it!  Even dodgeball, the “sport” that alienates awkward children from the confident children, now seems perfectly matched after shotgunning some beers.  Finn has provided an outlet for us to share in camaraderie and whiskey shots.

In Fall of 2006, I had my first taste of Recesstime Bowling.  Our bowling team name was simple… but our implementation was legendary.  We were by far the most mediocre team consistently finishing middle of the pack.  This tradition would continue throughout the next couple of seasons.  Our crowning achievement was winning a trophy for being champions of the consolation bracket.*  Ultimately, winning didn’t really matter because Recesstime Bowling gave us single-people something to look forward to during the work week.

Now, Recesstime Sports Leagues are the largest sports and social league in Portland with over 5,000 players competiting.  From their league organization, right down to the smooth and easy online registration, Recesstime Sports Leagues has figured out how to unite Portlanders looking to connect with nostalgic social recreational activities.

* Also known as the winners of all the other losers

#41 Environmentalists

In other cities these people are recognized as those tree-hugging, earth-lovin hippees. In Portland, OR, they are known as your friendly neighborhood environmentalist. The chance that you have met one in your life is quit possible. Like an annoying alley cat that keeps you up all night meowing for attention, they’ve found a way to sneak into every Portland neighborhood. Portland has become a magnet for these self-proclaimed superheroes and it isn’t going to change. So why would anyone say Earthly do-gooders suck?

Because they are people that annoy me.

Think of a time when you had a “conversation” with an environmentalist. Was it ridiculously one-sided? Did it come off as preachy? Did they nag you until you had to pretend to agree with them?

The truly frustrating thing is their weepy eyed faith based testimonials on Gaia and the earth mother being used as support for whatever hair-brained ban they’d like to pass or business they’d like to ruin. These people almost never use reason or (gasp!) science since they are the ones exposing the fraud of healing touch and natural medicine. If they’d just take a step back from the sensationalism and emotionalism that they have wrapped around all issues green and tried to meet business and the general public with reasoned science they would find a much more receptive audience. But as long as they can feel good about their Prius (larger carbon footprint to build than a Hummer) and awkwardly sneering at the dolt who threw away his beer bottle- green will be nothing more substantive than emo.

And basically that sums up the grassroots campaign of possibly the most annoying, obnoxious “ists” people in the world. Their disrespect for agriculture (pesticides, non-organic and logging), recreation (hunting and fishing) and societal activities (urban development, property rights and global warming) have now caused an outbreak of trendy popular environmentalists. These people only have a basic knowledge of what sustainability means, but they adopt the causes that fit their “lifestyle”. I’m not particularly sure if its the “everyone else does it, why shouldn’t I?”* mentality but younger demographics are always hoping on board the trendy train.

This rising population of “greenos” will eventually adopt their own culture:

Music: Decemberists, The Shins, Postal Service, Dave Matthews Band and Sheryl Crow

Clothing: Goodwill, Compound/Oddball and American Apperal

Food: Whole Foods, Stumptown Coffee, Roots, and Daily Cafe

Institutions: ORBike, Recesstime Sports Leagues and Saturday/Farmers Market

So as Portland becomes more “green”, its citizens are picking and choosing the causes that satisfy their guilty conscious. Doesn’t this sound like the Catholic religion of political movements? One can only hope that this movement won’t attempt to take over the world through mission work. In order to ensure this doesn’t happen, the next time you see/hear someone preaching green, go ahead and grab a tainted tomato that you carried home in a plastic bag, and throw it at them screaming “The power of Terra compels you!”. It may not destroy their confidence on the matter entirely, but at least it’ll shut them up for a minute.

* This could also be “What Would Alec Baldwin Do”

#40 Dirty Dining

Love/Hate relationship never meant more to me than after viewing my first segment of KPTV Fox 12’s Dirty Dining. The Double-D highlights a restaurant’s antics with health inspectors and host Kerry Tomlinson. Meant to be more comedy than genuine news report, Dirty Dining takes some horrific liberties to generate negative responses towards local restaurants. Take this report from Dirty Dining host, Kerry Tomlinson visit to Portland City Grill:

Raw Calamari at 49 Degrees (Dangerous level)
Egg Batter at 50 degrees (Also a dangerous level)
Salad Prep Cooler not at a safe temperature (Bacteria could grow!)
Dirty Knives in with Clean Knives! (I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!)

Will Dirty Dining affect my desire to eat at Portland City Grill (one of my favorite places to make fun of even though I enjoy myself every time)? Of course not! I’m pretty sure the only place I ever eat raw egg batter and calamari is in the comfort of my own home. I also have been known to flirt with disaster and toss dirty spoons in with clean spoons, but not knives! What stupid restaurant would do such a thing?

For me personally, Dirty Dining really “raised some eyebrows” with their continuous visits to Cheerful Tortoise’s. Before I watched that report, a group of friends visited the Cheerful for cheap “recovery food”. A friend ordered the pancakes… and he is a no-pro when it comes to culinary experiences. After waiting 45 minutes, he was eventually served well-done, black pancakes. This North American flapjack was so burnt we tossed them across the table to test it’s sturdiness. The Double D helped me realize that Cheerful Tortoise is a gross place to eat.

It’s easy to love the hijinks that ensue on Dirty Dining. You’ll also find ease to hate its junk reporting. Dirty Dining is a horrible news gimmick to keep Portlanders fearful of area restaurants. The problem with Double D is that We already know these places are obviously craptastic and could cause post-digest stomach aches, but we still eat there. Please just don’t SHOW/TELL me why I shouldn’t. It’s like taking a black light to your hotel room.

Here are some of my favorite 34DD classics with links to each segment:

“Highway to the temperature danger zone!”

#39 NW 23rd Ave.

Salon-> trendy restaurant-> clothing boutique: wash, rinse and repeat. It might as well be the motto for our most pretentious street in the Portland city limits. With an overwhelming amount of business targeting West/Nob Hill clientele, NW 23rd Ave. has become Portland’s Rodeo drive. When I say Rodeo drive, I of course mean the tattooed/greasy/tight black pants hipster version. Now on to the inconvenient truth about NW 23rd.

Attention needs to be directed towards 23rd’s dying street infrastructure. Potholes grow here like acne on a 9th grader. Avoid this stretch of street at all costs due to the sinking pavement between Burnside and Thurman. Major road improvements have been suggested, but ultimately shot down due to neighborhood concerns. Can you imagine construction shutting down even one lane between Lovejoy/Johnson? Traffic would be forced to detour through Nob Hill neighborhoods! Businesses dig in their high heels to any long term solutions as the ensuing drop in customer traffic would financially cripple the owners who face rising building rental/lease rates.

Besides the sinking road grade, pedestrians and bicyclists also feel a weird sense of entitlement USUALLY disobeying posted road signs and street crossings. As if potholes weren’t enough, you now must dodge a constant stream of shopping enthusiasts looking to be seen on 23rd.

As the big retailers and chain restaurants are drawn to the 23rd area, the smaller shops are pushed out and some of the originality that distinguished the area is lost. There are now several chunks of empty storefronts as you meander down 23rd. The Pearl is now getting the larger chain restaurants and stores, and Hawthorne is getting the trendier, cheaper, funkier businesses.

As the NW 23rd ave sinks, eventually the street and its market, will lose its unique flavor. NW 23rd will bottom out… literally, sinking into a deep dark abyss. Potholes, peds armed with strollers, dogs, red turtle shells and banana peels, you are looking at the real life Mario Kart.

Poor Porsche

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