#82 Snowpocalypse

Its that time of year when everyone in Portland gets on their cold weather periods. The peacoats, hipster scarves, and rain boots come out in full force. Coffee shops experience a jolt in morning sales. Our town becomes a super sad depressing wet blanket. The amount of darkness and rain only prelude to the inevitable climax of what everyone outside of the Willamette Valley already knows exist: Snow.

Snow: Frozen crystalized rain. You can manipulate these tiny crystals into a bunch of balls representing fat people.
+
Apocalypse: The End of the World. Complete desperation and loss of hope. The Walking Dead + Left 4 Dead + CW’s 90210.

This sudden bombardment of freaky cold temperatures causes such a stupid panic that Coloradans only laugh at the mild winter Portland residents call “Snowpocalypse”. For those of you lucky enough to not know the definition, Snowpocalypse is the cataclysmic event of snow touching the valley floor. The degree of snow doesn’t really matter. In fact, it could snow one inch and that will cause more accidents than 1/10th an inch of rain. If you were to ask an Eastern Oregonian (.ie Real Oregon) why Portlanders easily scare of snow, its because they don’t know how to drive. TAPtS has already covered this issue and it is FACT.

Unfortunately, the introduction of winter weather is a scary event for the City of Portland. Businesses are forced to close because Beaverton residents can’t make it into downtown for work. People abandoned their cars rather than wait through hours of traffic and chaos. If you dare leave the house, you will be faced with soft powdery locusts waiting to bite at your rosey cheeks. Snowpocalypse is really the end of days… until it bumps back up to 47 degrees and rains all week.

For those of you stranded at home during the work week, I recommend these things:

1. Call your mother and tell her you love her.
2. Cuddle with your significant other
2a. If you don’t have a loved one, then play video games ’til your thumbs are red
3. Catch up on all the shit that is NSFW. Cracked.com, Funnyordie.com, Thesuperficial.com, Thedirty.com, etc.

Leave some recommendations on how you plan to beat the sleet.

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10 Responses to “#82 Snowpocalypse”


  1. 1 Portlander 09/29 at 8:46 pm

    Never heard NoPo used except by 12 yo wanna-be ballers.. Minnesota/baldock freeways? It’s I-5 retard. No portlander looks at odot maps. We use the google maps on our iPhones. The portlanders that can drive in snow did exactly that, they drove to mt hood and enjoyed the snowpocalypse on their skis/boards

    • 2 Paul Johnson 10/01 at 10:29 am

      The willfully and belligerently ignorant should be the next Thing About Portland that Sucks, since even Google Maps knows these names, and that’s not the most accurate map of Portland (http://open.mapquest.com/ which gets it’s data from osm.org is).

  2. 3 awfulcalifornian 01/06 at 8:35 pm

    It’s hilarious when it’s snowing hard and people abandon their cars. What’s the though process there? “I’m on the 5 freeway and it’s snowing so I’m going to stop right in my lane, turn the motor off and lock the car, and abandon it. The next day the on-air radio personalities are practically begging the general public to go get their cars off the freeways and on ramps. People are so weird here-the streets were clear for 2-3 days and the cars remained parked every this way and that. I couldn’t help but think in a “real” city the city towers would have been out en masse within 24 hours of the all clear and the city would have cleaned up a little $$. No, not Portland, we’ll just wait until everybody clears up their schedule to go pick up their rides. This place is like Canada.

    • 4 Paul Johnson 01/06 at 8:42 pm

      I’m not sure you’ve ever been to Canada. Or Portland, or you’d know nobody calls it “the 5 freeway” but “Interstate 5,” or north of Marquam Bridge, “Minnesota Freeway” or “Baldock Freeway” south of Marquam Bridge.

    • 5 Archer Baumann 01/10 at 9:21 am

      I don’t know of anybody in NoPo who actually knows that I-5 is called the “Minnesota Freeway”, or even the reasons why (I do: it straddles what used to be Minnesota Avenue).

    • 6 Paul Johnson 01/10 at 9:48 am

      I don’t know of anyone from Portland (as opposed to some tourist who forgot to leave) who calls North Portland “NoPo.”

    • 7 Lindsay 01/28 at 7:52 pm

      uhhh no actual portlander says “NoPo”, “Interstate (anything)”, “minnesota freeway”, “Baldock Freeway”, or “The 5 freeway”. it’s I-5. Portland. North Portland. whatever. I lived there for 23 years and never heard anyone use any of those phrases. where did you people come up with this stuff? it’s not clever. and yeah, snow freaks people out because it’s such a rare occurrence that they don’t know what to do. also, in case you’re wondering, it is damn hard to steer or stop or accelerate when you’re on a steep hill. i mean, people in indiana can’t even drive in the snow and it’s flat as heck and it snows all the time. if they can’t do it, how do you expect oregonians to do it?

    • 8 Paul Johnson 01/28 at 8:46 pm

      It’5 I5, but it’s also the Minnesota Freeway and the Baldock Freeway. Check ODOT’s maps. The freeway east of the river in Portland is in the Minnesota Avenue alignment (and thus why ODOT called it that), and it’s named after ODOT engineer Sam Baldock south of that. Thanks for trying to be smart while being completely ignorant.

  3. 9 Paul Johnson 11/24 at 10:46 pm

    It should be mentioned that Portlanders know how to drive in the snow and aren’t phased about the annual snow and ice events. It’s the Californian transplants who go apeshit. Problem with Portland is, two out of three people are Californian tourists who forgot to go home when they’re done visiting.

  4. 10 Nick 11/23 at 4:16 pm

    Wait…What if you have a significant other, but you still want to play video games? Nevermind. I’m forced to go to work despite the “normal” weather conditions.


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