Its that time of year when everyone in Portland gets on their cold weather periods. The peacoats, hipster scarves, and rain boots come out in full force. Coffee shops experience a jolt in morning sales. Our town becomes a super sad depressing wet blanket. The amount of darkness and rain only prelude to the inevitable climax of what everyone outside of the Willamette Valley already knows exist: Snow.
Snow: Frozen crystalized rain. You can manipulate these tiny crystals into a bunch of balls representing fat people.
Apocalypse: The End of the World. Complete desperation and loss of hope. The Walking Dead + Left 4 Dead + CW’s 90210.
This sudden bombardment of freaky cold temperatures causes such a stupid panic that Coloradans only laugh at the mild winter Portland residents call “Snowpocalypse”. For those of you lucky enough to not know the definition, Snowpocalypse is the cataclysmic event of snow touching the valley floor. The degree of snow doesn’t really matter. In fact, it could snow one inch and that will cause more accidents than 1/10th an inch of rain. If you were to ask an Eastern Oregonian (.ie Real Oregon) why Portlanders easily scare of snow, its because they don’t know how to drive. TAPtS has already covered this issue and it is FACT.
Unfortunately, the introduction of winter weather is a scary event for the City of Portland. Businesses are forced to close because Beaverton residents can’t make it into downtown for work. People abandoned their cars rather than wait through hours of traffic and chaos. If you dare leave the house, you will be faced with soft powdery locusts waiting to bite at your rosey cheeks. Snowpocalypse is really the end of days… until it bumps back up to 47 degrees and rains all week.
For those of you stranded at home during the work week, I recommend these things:
1. Call your mother and tell her you love her.
2. Cuddle with your significant other
2a. If you don’t have a loved one, then play video games ’til your thumbs are red
3. Catch up on all the shit that is NSFW. Cracked.com, Funnyordie.com, Thesuperficial.com, Thedirty.com, etc.
Leave some recommendations on how you plan to beat the sleet.