#80 The Cheerful Tortoise

Located in the heart of Suck University, Cheerful Tortoise has been the watering hole for thousands of college students waiting to wet their whistles. As the only bar remaining from rezoning the area, it has become the SW Marathon Taverna attracting crazies by day and fake ID’s by night. To blame the clientele for Tortoise’s suckery isn’t fair to the food, atmosphere and bathrooms. Let’s take this one step at a time, shall we?

Before this blog was created, a group of friends visited the Cheerful for cheap “recovery food”. A friend ordered the pancakes… and he is a no-pro when it comes to culinary experiences. After waiting 45 minutes, he was eventually served well-done, black pancakes. This North American flapjack was so burnt we tossed them across the table to test it’s sturdiness.

Recently, I came here around 8 pm on a Sunday night for a simple Club sandwich and fries. At 7 am on Monday morning, I called in sick for work. Gross.

To be honest, it isn’t fair to expect an excellent meal when you step inside either of the two entrances to this dive bar. The floor is generations old. The grand ole fire pit appears to be days away from consuming the entire neighborhood in hellfire. The walls, bar, table, stools, chairs, etc. are covered in stains and that sticky black residue scientifically known as “gunk”. But it must be noted that you cannot expect Cheerful Tortoise to care when they have +20 high definition tvs to pull your attention away. On a Sunday morning during Football season, the only person who cares about the shit-holesque atmosphere are the Pearl girlfriends drug dragged here because On Deck didn’t have the game in high def.

There are four tier’s of female when it comes to these alcohol establishments. Mothers hate sport/dive bars (Vinny’s mom). Women tolerate them because they enjoy the company of friendship that usually surrounds dive bars (Sammi “Sweatheart”). Girls like going here because guys will buy them drinks just for showing up (J-Woww). Chicks absolutely f***ing LOVE these places because they can get hammered at any point of the day (Snooki). I’m pretty sure mothers and women would leave after they see the bathrooms at Cheerful Tortoise. Girls would complain, but after a couple of drinks, a girl has got to pee. Chicks, well chicks don’t care where they piss. It could be the girls bathroom, guys, bush, just as long as they can drop a thong it won’t matter.

Now like every dive bar in the world, there are some big draws to the general community. The daily drink specials, Thursday’s $1 beer night, Karaoke from Wednesday to Saturday, NFL Sunday ticket and super cheap breakfast specials keep people from coming back. Two out of those four reason are why I go back to the Cheerful Tortoise. Why in the hell would you?


5 Responses to “#80 The Cheerful Tortoise”

  1. 1 emwells 07/16 at 5:24 pm

    I used to go here for dollar beers, but it isnt even worth it anymore when you cant find a place to sit and those bitchy bartenders are constantly bumping into everyone.

  2. 2 Debra Thornton 01/01 at 7:28 pm

    I’m looking for the recipe for bean dip that was served at the Tortoise in 1976-77 when I worked there as a cook. I wish I had written it down.

  3. 3 Spencer 01/20 at 10:48 am

    This place is a piece of orgon history. It has been around for ever and proably as some point half the population of portland has barfed in the back parking lot at one time or another. Also, our illustrious, home grown serial killer (I-5 Killer)worked there while attensing PSU.

  4. 4 J 12/26 at 4:58 pm

    What do you get when you are sued by the owners of “Cheers” (like the bar featured in the TV show) and then go bankrupt forcing a new name?

  5. 5 Kevin 10/14 at 8:00 pm

    Nice sentiment. That place is a shit hole. Please though learn the difference between drug and dragged. Would make your great writing have much more strength. 🙂

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