#66 Being Unhappy :(

sadcat-story-2KATU news broke this incredible story yesterday about Business Week’s list of miserable places to live.

“PORTLAND, Ore. – Believe it or not, Portland has been named the “unhappiest place in the country.”

According to Business Week magazine, Portland ranks No. 1 on the list of miserable places to live.

To determine the ratings, Business Week looked at calls to a crisis intervention hotline, depression and divorce rates, crime, and even cloudy days – of which there are an average of 222 every year.

Maybe they forgot to get some local coffee and an umbrella.”

Now, I strongly disagree with Business Week, as Portland is awesome. I think most of this has to do with people from Gresham, Beaverton, Vancouver and Hillsboro calling Multnomah’s Suicide hot-line.  The divorce rates can be attributed to the seedy underbelly of Portland’s night scene (strip clubs, escort services, Dixie, etc.).  Liberal cities tend to have a higher divorce and crime rate anyways.

I’m disappointed that New Orleans didn’t win the coveted spot.  How did we beat them out?  I guess the truth hurts. I’m going to get my divorce on now.


34 Responses to “#66 Being Unhappy :(”

  1. 1 Charles 05/02 at 8:27 pm

    I planned to give Portland two years. To see if I liked it. But it took four years to finally leave because I fell into such a deep depression it took two years finally pull out.

    I like rain. The weather is fine with me. What I don’t like is the man-hating culture. Being male is a crime in Portland. Guys, leave the women to themselves and move somewhere else to be appreciated.

  2. 2 Tony Z. 02/25 at 5:12 pm

    Anyone who has ever lived in a real city knows how pretentious and trite this is. If you have half a brain you can find non chain restaurants in the suburbs. East Portland is a pseudo city that floats it’s own boat more than any other town I have ever lived in, or been to. There is nothing unique about Portland other than how unique they love to tell everyone they are. They got their style and demeanor from Seattle. Their motto is from Austin (Keep Austin Weird). And the bicycle infrastructure was copied from major cities that implemented it long before Portland. However, that isn’t even where they begin to truly upset anyone who is even slightly cultured. I for one, am a multi-racial person. Do you have any idea how many times white people with glasses they don’t need and tattoos, that are under the ridiculous misconception that they are cultured, try to preach about diversity? Wake up morons, Portland is absolutely, unequivocally not diverse. The twenty some odd years I have lived here I went from being one of two Latino Americans in my school (my brother the other one), along one Japanese kid (one of my best friends) and one African American kid. Portland is a Podunk redneck town that decided it was cool by wearing everything ironically (something New York and Seattle did long before them) and decided they were original and their favorite word was none other than weird. Get off your ridiculous, pompous, and unearned high horse blog writer. This city sucks because of turds like you.
    P.S.: Mexican food on the East side is terrible. Take it from someone who is actually Mexican and knows how to cook. Beaverton Mexican food is substantially better, but you none cultured hipsters wouldn’t actually know a thing about that would you? Too many of us beaners there I suppose…
    P.P.S.: OMSI? Seriously? Go to the Smithsonian and come at me with anything about Portland’s poor excuse for museums. The worse part? They charge to get in while they are free in D.C. Oh my.

  3. 3 Spiffy 06/13 at 4:19 pm

    I have been in P town for 11 years now. I am so glad I live in the Suburbs. Sorry of I like nice clean homes with mowed grass and clean washed cars. Ya. The resturants are all chains. But that’s why we drive to P town to eat. When I first moved here from Az people were so rude to tell me your not from here right? Ya. I am sorry I do not have a gotee and beard. And a shitty car. Screw you trendy people in P town. I always meet people who are like ya I live in Hollywood district. Like its fucking bragging. I saw oh ya. I live in Bull Mountain in Tigard. So ya if I see you are from Portland in my burbs. I will say hey your from Portland right? Screw the fat emo lades here. Why why why?

  4. 4 GTFO Zumpie 02/04 at 1:54 pm

    Zumpie needs to GTFO

    • 5 zumpie 03/18 at 1:34 pm

      Hmm, didn’t realize this was YOUR blog, where YOU get to decide what goes on. Next time try a bit harder to use some actual creativity in your “put downs”. My middle schooler did better in 2nd grade.

  5. 6 New in town. 10/31 at 9:30 pm

    Portland definitely has no passion. I just moved here from New Orleans and Austin, two amazing cities where people really care about the fact that they live there and it’s “cool” to show that “all in this together” excitement for your fellow citizens. Portland, instead, glorifies a mauve crowd that seems happy they live in a city with “good politics” but to show excitement or pride in your city would paint you a loser.

    Where’s the passion, Portland? Why so much sand in your vagina?

  6. 7 James 12/08 at 4:38 am

    Man if people think Portland sucks they should try spending time anywhere in Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, Detroit, or Florida. Those places are fucked!

    • 8 tata 07/12 at 3:13 pm

      For sure! Pittsburgh is the worst! My family is still there which means I have to go back to visit I wish I could get them to move here. No place is perfect but Portlanders have no idea how lucky they are

  7. 9 Get Over Yourself 04/12 at 10:55 am

    See what I mean? Zumpie completely ripped Alison to shreds but call HER out and WAAAAHHH!!!! Get used to seeing “Zumpie the Superior’s” gay little put-downs all over this site.

    • 10 zumpie 03/18 at 1:36 pm

      I didn’t wah, nor did I “rip Allison to shreds”. I simply voiced my disagreement, again what this blog is for. In no way did I ever get weepy. Why would I?

  8. 11 Get Over Yourself 04/10 at 8:47 am

    Oh great. That annoying been-there-done-that know-it-all Zumpie from Shameless Restaurants has discovered this site. Gross. Watch, he just gets more and more irritating.

    • 12 zumpie 04/10 at 12:29 pm

      Um, A) I’m not a “he” (guess you don’t read that many of my posts on shameless!). B) my comment included some of the things that I DO like about it here (bad, overrated food and lack of attractions not withstanding). C) Did you READ what this page is called??? Isn’t the whole point to disparage what deserves dispargement?

  9. 13 Smoky 03/19 at 12:11 pm

    I just spent two months in Portland. It’s a total shit town. Garbage everywhere, smelly pretentious “hipsters” with no taste in music or clothing. Beggars that are dressed better than me who feel they are entitled to my money. It snowed one inch there and the city was in total panic. People are lazy there and have no pride. The seem to have a sense of entitlement. The government is too liberal..it takes all the losers from all around the country and supports them. They recently elected a gay pedophile mayor. I could go on and on. They think it’s cool to drink PBR…smelly, damp, depressing…..hell?

    • 14 Cassondra 08/31 at 3:46 pm

      Your a bigoted asshole.

    • 15 Auto knows PDX sucks 12/31 at 3:13 am

      Couldn’t said better myself, Smoky.

      And Cassonda, you sound very offered by the truth told by your town that is filled with misandry FemNazis. You want to talk about “bigoted assholes”, look in the mirror to see one. Anyone who defends a town fill with racist and misandry, is the one who is a bigot.

  10. 16 john 03/17 at 11:56 pm

    Portland sucks. The front is liberal, but once u uncover the front all you get is closed mindedness, militant veganism and anti anyone who isnt from oregon. F*** you portlanders with your small town mentality, i couldnt careless about portland, u can keep your shitty “unique” aspects, i ll let you into a little secret, these “unique” things exist in other places to. Loooossserrrs.

    • 17 Auto knows PDX sucks 12/31 at 2:26 am

      Very true. But don’t forgot about Portland’s superiority complex. Especially when mentioning Seattle to any Portlander, watch their face turn into 18 shades of red and hear their blood pressure go through the roof. It shows they believe they’re entitled without hard work.

  11. 18 Trini Sario 03/16 at 6:52 pm

    It all depends on if you like rats or rain. Go to NY for rats, and go to Portland for rain.

  12. 19 Erick E 03/10 at 7:21 am

    Lol. I had no idea Oregon had an anti-tourism ad. So very appropriate. WE LIKE OUR PURE OREGON BLOOD THAT APPRECIATES TOTAL SHIT, STAY OUT WE LOVE RAIN AND DEPRESSION SO FUCK YOU.

  13. 20 Brandon 03/09 at 1:27 pm

    If only we could stick giant copies of this article along the city limits ala Tom McCall’s “visit Oregon but please don’t stay” campaign.

  14. 21 eva 03/07 at 8:15 pm

    Doesn’t matter what decade. Historically there has almost always been in P-Town:

    Big inside life. You can say I love the mountain but you only visit it maybe once a year. It’s wet and so you stay inside nursing your fabulous coffee. (It’s great for writers actually….)

    Not having a job that pays a living wage over time will realllllly depress you. Wait till you’re on ten years of that!

    Not a lot of sun. Plenty of data says little light can depress you. Ever lived in England for any length of time? It is “totally cool” too! But still – depressing! (But some people like that.)

    Good coffee is a beautiful thing but a thing you can make at home, anywhere, in a town with a living wage.

    But you can have a band at night and a barista job in the day! Smoke weed and drink the cool coffee! But don’t come here because of the “edge” and “diversity.” No one comes here for that. (Unless of course you’re from Idaho or Klamath Falls….)

  15. 23 Brian 03/06 at 10:34 am

    Eh, I’d say Portland is a pretty spiffy place. If you ignore the annoying hipsters and don’t get hit at any crosswalks it can be a pretty pleasant place. It’s the places outside of Portland that really, genuinely suck.

    traffic in Beaverton? /wrists. Gresham? No thanks, I don’t want to get robbed/stabbed/raped/recruited into a cult. CLACKAMAS? Need I say more. Vancouver? Smells of butthole and cabbage.

    I think it would make Portlanders very happy if the wall of dilapidated housing off of 99 ’round Oregon City would.. just.. slide.. or Gresham was walled up, domed over and gassed.

  16. 24 jake 03/05 at 12:21 pm

    I’d say people in the outlying suburbs are probably more happy. Generally less likely to be suffering from the hipster transplant ennui rampant in “Portland”–the vast majority being born and raised in the nation’s suburbs anyway.

    Making fun of the suburbs is lame. Especially considering Portland is just one big suburb.

    Which is more annoyingly homogenous, “inner SE” or Hillsboro?

    Thought so.

    • 25 Aaron V. 08/22 at 2:54 pm

      Hipster = person making service industry salary who pays boutique prices for stuff that should be at Goodwill.

      Then they bitch about people who live in the suburbs, who probably live there because they realize they can get more house and land for less money than in inner NE or SE.

  17. 26 Indian Giver 03/04 at 12:06 pm

    I think this is all part of a clever ploy to stop sucky people from moving here. Sorry California, we’re just soooo miserable, they can’t make prozac strong enough for us so you all might as well stay in your sunshiney state.


    • 27 red 08/10 at 7:32 am

      …Actually, as a “transplant” (lol?) I wish someone had told my family about this earlier. Especially since it’s true.

  18. 28 Erick E 03/04 at 10:34 am

    The only best places to live awards Portland wins are for people who like riding their bikes and enjoy trees. Other then that this town is MORBID. Crappy weird food, boring nightlife, close to no sports, poor economy, rampant homelessness, depressing inducing weather, etc. Portland is not a place I’d recommend anyone to move to. At least the crime is low, but that’s probably cause people would rather turn the guns on themselves.

    • 29 Skylar 12/09 at 8:18 pm

      Omg, I love you Eric for putting Portland into a nutshell !!! ;D I wanted to slit my wrists or jump off of a bridge after living there for only 4 months!!! (I moved out of there fast!) Oregon is only good for people that want to smoke/grow pot, ski, or collect food stamps!!!!! You can’t even ride a bike because it rains all the time!!! And prepare to not be able to wear normal clothing because everything has to be waterproof!!!

  19. 30 Zaphod 03/04 at 10:11 am

    It seems we own the extremes. We’re constantly ranked near or at the top for “Best Places to Live” in all kinds of magazines. Now we’re getting our due as the most sad. It’s all so confusing and I base *all* of my life decisions and feeling on polling data.

    In fact, just last night I was riding my bike through the city and I felt happy but I *knew* that was a false feeling because the polls said I should be sad. So I pushed my false feelings aside and rode my bike through the tears. I do a lot of crying into some very very good coffee these days. So depressing. {sigh}

  20. 32 mel 03/04 at 9:53 am

    People in Portland aren’t unhappy. People in Gresham are unhappy. Or at least they should be. They need to redo the study comparing outline cities. Portland Rules!

  21. 33 alison 03/03 at 6:10 pm

    I completely agree with you – BusinessWeek’s claim that Portland is the unhappiest city is totally bogus. Um, they clearly haven’t been to Stumptown, Dutch Bros., Voodoo Donut, all of the great restaurants and bakeries in town, Hollywood Bowl, OMSI, Laurelhurst theater, etc. All of these things about Portland – which are very unique to Portland – make me happy on a daily basis.

    • 34 zumpie 04/10 at 6:11 am


      I really like living here, but the things you just listed all suck the big monkey!

      Stumptown is staffed by rude, pretentious jackasses and Voodoo Donuts is just plain weird. I frequently find myself eating chain food because it’s better than most of the “fabulous” restuarants here (I’m from NYC and I worked at top establishments there–so yes, I DO know what I’m talking about).

      And OMSI????? REALLY????? It’s only “awesome” if you’re under 3 or 4 years old. Past that, it’s so beyond pathetic that I can’t even begin to elaborate. Try visiting a REAL museum sometime. Or even a real attraction sometime.

      Living here, the rain doesn’t bother me (I grew up with the bake or sub-zero of the east coast, so I still enjoy the mild temperatures), I like the mountains and ocean proximity and despite reports to the contrary, for a coastal city, it’s really affordable. With not terrible public transportation.


      I loathe the lack of attractions (we need a real sports team AND a real theme park). I also hate how 95% of the population is fully incapable of dressing themselves—I live in SE and frequently see middle-aged moms dressed like Angelica from Rugrats, or dads with “real” jobs who could easily be mistaken for homeless panhandlers. That or everyone looks like they’re getting ready to go camping. With perhaps 1% trolling Washington Square Mall in faux California plastic fake.

      Overall, it’s not the rain that makes people feel depressed, it’s their need to dress exclusively in 10 year old, garments in dreary, faded shares of navy, dark green and washed out black. Who could be happy when they look like the “before” people in that anti-depressant commerical?

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