#71 Lake Oswego Moms

For decades, these vixens of venture capital investors have roamed the Alphabet streets, maintaining their persona of perfection. Oh you pretty little gold diggers, with your double and (sometimes even triple!) wide $4000 strollers and your Gucci diaper bags all for your ugly baby. Juicy Baby can’t hide that face. When not cougaring around for your next play toy you are jogging around Bridgeport in your coordinating Lucy activewear after morning yoga/erotic dance classes. Immediately after this, you grace Peets Coffee where you will hold up the line with your half-caff, non fat, sugar-free half vanilla and half hazelnut latte order while you shuffle through you Louis Vuitton looking for coordinating wallet.

You park your Maserati next to me at Albertson’s then glare at me while I get into my moderately priced SUV as you load your organic veggies and strawberry Go-gurt into what was once considered a fine piece of Italian engineering and has now been caged and turned into your grocery getter. Country Club Road is clogged with your Escalades and Hummers in pearl white and I-try-to-hard yellow (respectively). You consistently travel at least 5-10 miles under the speed limit. All of this just to say ‘Look at me! I’m so rich I am a better person than you’.

Manzana happy hour you say? Sounds great! Plans are instantly foiled because you all have been there since 2pm. Why? Because you don’t work. Why would you? Your father, I mean hubby is OLD and has money and therefore a job is simply out of the question. You have more important things to do. Like Manis and martinis with your token favorite gay friend from SE!


69 Responses to “#71 Lake Oswego Moms”

  1. 1 Phil Jones 03/27 at 3:43 pm

    I’ll never go to Lake Oswego again. I got a ticket for no reason and the biased a-hole judge fined me nearly $500. Of course it would have cost me more to fight it. One of these days I’m going to do something that will cost L.O. ten times the amount they stole from me.

  2. 2 It's Only Me 12/07 at 1:31 pm

    Wow. This “assessment” is so superficial! I hope it was meant to be more humorous than accurate? I live in LO, drive a 10-year-old Subaru, and I don’t know a Louis Vuitton from a paper sack (but I’m pretty sure I can afford only the sack). There are people who live in LO and like to flaunt their disposable income, but most of us are here for the great schools, parks, and safe neighborhoods. People are people, no matter where they live.

  3. 3 ladyfilmmaker 09/09 at 9:53 am

    You obviously HAVE been to LO, this article is so spot on! Kudos

  4. 4 torturedTeen 05/21 at 6:21 am

    I live in Portland but I go to LOJ (Lake Oswego Junior High) and it is TORTURE! The worst part is most of my friends have drifted but not because of me because of my young, unwed, unemployed MOM. It is the same thing with my little brother. LO moms are out of control!

  5. 5 Marie Brickle 02/28 at 11:26 am

    You are right on !!! I lived in Fake Oswego and could not stand it for this and other reasons.
    I moved out and I am the happiest person ever!
    This is an accurate description of this superficial
    place! I am a mom and I thought it was just me who was observing this. I am so happy to know that it is a reality and not just my imagination.
    Thank you for writing this so that other people that are not like that can avoid making the mistake of living I such a place . Fake Oswego.

  6. 6 Miss woods 10/21 at 7:05 pm

    Wow, Is L.O. really like this?! Do the people there really think this way about each other? I thought it was a more considerate kind of place. Where would you all recommend living in Portland, where it’s beautiful, kind and safe? That’s where I want to be~

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