#57 Tigard

Tigard. Not quite Beaverton. Not quite Tualatin.

Although Tigard claims to be “just outside of Portland”, once you get out of the city, you won’t find Tigard for at least another twenty minutes, and that’s without the horrific cluster f**k of traffic – which is usually worse than downtown traffic. If you live in this time warp of traffic and are trying to get anywhere (even somewhere else in Tigard) plan on the trip taking at least 25 minutes. Other cities that have traffic problems (Seattle, New York, LA) at least have a reason for it – a.k.a. there are lots places in those cities that people actually want to go.

There’s no way this applies to Tigard – where the main attraction is the Washington Square mall. It may be one of the highest grossing malls in the US, but that doesn’t make it any better – it might just make it more depressing. It’s been there since the 70’s and has included the standard department stores ever since. Another main staple of Washington Square is the ‘Teen Section’ that includes McDonald’s, Hot Topic, Zumiez, and Claire’s. Here’s where the term “mallrat” was coined and still thrives, with 7th graders in plenty of punk/gothic garb. The mall did recently make some upgrades, including adding parking structures (because I want to fight for a covered parking space, not just an outdoor one). They also added some “higher end” retails stores such as Sephora, Pottery Barn and Pottery Barn…KIDS so that I can feel badly about myself and my “frugal nature” as I walk past them and their snobby employees to get to Forever 21.

The addition of the Cheesecake Factory to Washington Square also proved exciting, since the other restaurants in Tigard cater mainly to the family with 239,842,034 kids and/or the retirement crowd, with Rudy Tuesdays, Elmer’s, TGIFriday’s and Red Robin being some of the finest.

How about the nightlife? This is not referring to Downtown Tigard, as some might assume. Downtown Tigard consists of one street full of dilapidated storefronts – Café Allegro is the only business among them that anyone has actually heard of, and that’s only because they assault you with direct mail coupons with every chance they get. No, the nightlife in Tigard is mostly made up of the Bars on 99 (Pacific Hwy), such as Mixers (bad karaoke, hip-hop and Suburban Sluts), The Steelhorse (where the “bartenders” are over-tanned, over-dyed brunettes wearing chaps and hot pants) and Gators (more bad karaoke, this time closer to Fred Meyer). They’re great for a night out if you’re sick of the meat market of downtown nightlife, but inevitably have that ‘one creepy guy’ who stares at you from across the bartop, over his… well… scotch, and then, after watching you for half an hour, gets the guts to come over and awkwardly start a conversation – always with the intro “what’s that you’re drinking?”. He’s always a glossy-eyed 45-55 year-old divorced guy, very interested in what you do for a living, and the rest of your 20-something life that you’re not missing out on like he did, and most likely works as an insurance agent (or other unfulfilling financial-type job). There’s really nothing more creepy than being hit on half because he thinks you’re attractive and half because you remind him of his daughter.

Tigard will always remain a massive void in Willamette Valley ready to suck in families looking for more affordable housing. Without any relevance to the surrounding Portland area, people will forever “ugh” people that live in Tigard. So cheers to those brave enough to live in such a sucky city.

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23 Responses to “#57 Tigard”


  1. 1 TigardIsGross 03/15 at 3:08 pm

    Tigard is gross. Wasn’t there some kind of plan to revitalize the grungy blocks of downtown? What happened? Unemployment? Lack of moolah? Lack of energy? Lack of brainpower?

    No sun, almost always gray, nothing to do, nowhere to go, just a place to escape from before your mind turns to meatball mush.

  2. 2 Grav197 02/04 at 10:57 pm

    This is so on point. Tigard, Oregon is indeed the worst place on the planet. Well, there may be a square mile in the middle of Siberia or Death Valley that might be as horrific a place to exist but….then maybe not.

    Do you know that you can hear the highway in the middle of the night because Tigard is so poorly planned that traffic noise carries? Ditto the train traffic. Noisy, noisy, noisy, noisy, noisy is the state of affairs in Tigard, Oregon.

    Did I say that I agree that Tigard, Oregon is an awful place to be? I thought so. That nut job who is so upset (insert sniveling here) that people HATE Tigard, Oregon is typical of the useless, lower-class Oregonians that live in Tigard, Oregon.

  3. 3 wannawannawanna 07/12 at 9:17 pm

    Tigard, Oregon is a throw away town. It does not even look like a town. Tigard, Oregon looks like ugly pieces of ugly towns strung together along ugly stretches of road. Put an ugly strip mall here, put an ugly strip mall there, keep that ugly old building there and then (drum roll) achieve a high level of empty buildingdom due to the crummy economy.

    So Tigard, Oregon has this big honking mall. It also has other shopping areas bordering on said mall. Said shopping areas have huge pieces of empty retail space. What is up with that? After all, there appear to be all manner of buildings going up in the area and yet there is all this empty space.

    So Tigard, Oregon has this other moderately honking mall. I supposed it is supposed to look like a mall in California (hint, hint) and it is ok but dull. It is supposed to be somewhat aspirational but its ‘anchor’ store is now a discount Saks. I am pretty sure that an outlet store is not aspirational. Whoopee. I’m shopping online from another state.

    Tigard, Oregon sucks. Oregon sucks. Oregon is pretty much hell on earth. It is not Detroit…yet…but who can predict the future.

  4. 4 Tigard Oregon Blows 01/18 at 10:25 pm

    Tigard Oregon is the most depressing, awful, soggy, ugly place on the face of the planet. Say thanks be to God if you never have to live in Tigard, Oregon.

    The traffic is horrible in Tigard, the houses are all smashed together with no yards and no real trees. It is true. There is no urban planning in Tigard, Oregon. See an empty lot over there? Stuff some cheap houses onto it and park 6 cars on a driveway that is designed for 2.

    The noise is awful. Tigard, Oregon has to be one of the noisiest towns around. The traffic noise is something else because Tigard, Oregon is, essentially, a big traffic interchange. Traffic is continuous and fast and really noisy especially with snow tires in winter.

    There are also lots of sirens all the time day and night. What is up with that? Is there a lot of crime in Tigard, Oregon? It sure sounds like it.

    Tigard, Oregon does not have a single good restaurant. They are all chains and not even good chains. I don’t know anyone who likes any restaurant in Tigard, Oregon. If you want to go out to eat then you go elsewhere.

    Even Beaverton has decent restaurants.

    If you want to see how bad Tigard, Oregon is then drive down 99W which has got to be the ugliest stretch of road in the world. It is all moldy storefronts and concrete. It is really ugly.

    Tigard, Oregon blows. You should be very happy you do not have to live in Tigard, Oregon.

  5. 5 Jun 12/03 at 12:40 pm

    I have to agree. I can’t stand driving down this stretch of road, I only do so if I absolutely have to. Unfortunately that seems like the case most days.

    • 6 NotDoink 02/26 at 10:08 pm

      99W through Tigard has to be the saddest, ugliest, most depressing stretch of road ever. What is wrong with Tigard?

      Everything. Just everything.

  6. 7 spadoink 06/17 at 11:59 am

    Yeah, I lived there for 5 years. Cheated death everytime I had to cross 99W to catch a bus. Had my car broken into, had a crackhead for a neighbor (might’ve been him) Overall Tigard is a nice town……

    …..to leave.

  7. 8 Anon 02/18 at 5:20 am

    This is clearly written by some Tualafag

    • 9 ThankGodNotAnon 02/26 at 10:13 pm

      Here is Tigard-ite Anon expressing yet another discriminatory microthought….do not expect more from Tigard-ites as you will be quite disappointed.

      Yes, this is what you can expect. This kind of creepy behavior and all of the cold and rain you can ever desire.

  8. 10 TigardSucks 05/13 at 3:03 am

    I agree with all the Tigard Sucks comments. Tigard is the dirty little town between Lake Oswego (not as dirty, way over priced for what it is) and Beaverton (not as dirty, almost as inept). There is nothing in Tigard that is remotely beautiful or interesting or exceptional.

    Tigard is a crummy place to live. It has tons of traffic that run through residential areas. Cars threaten to mow down pedestrians and bicyclists as they speed in between the highways on their way to other places. Tigard is really just a massive traffic interchange and nothing more.

    Tigard claims to be family friendly but it isn’t. Tigard is stupid friendly. If you are stupid then Tigard is friendly to you. If you are intelligent, run from Tigard as fast as you can. Tigard will lower your IQ if you breathe the air in Tigard for any length of time.

    Tigard has the worst municipal government and the most inept city planning. That is, Tigard has stupid government and stupid city planning. Have you seen the mess that is downtown Tigard?

    Downtown Tigard sits beneath an overpass. That is correct. Downtown is underneath a crowded, dirty, car-laden overpass. Who plans an overpass over main street or main street under an overpass?

    • 11 Anon 02/18 at 5:23 am

      You’re fucking retarded. Tigard is far from dirty. Don’t get on here and bitch about the city layout just cause you get stuck in traffic, gook

    • 12 ThankGodNotAnon 02/26 at 10:10 pm

      Note the not-subtle racism of Anon and his/her/its nasty Tigard-esque posting.

      This is typical.

      Enough said. It is despicable but typical of Tigard-ites.

  9. 13 Not on welfare 04/30 at 12:26 pm

    I used to work in Tweakard, the locals are garbage who make the bars their LIFE. And any decent looking girls who bartend there are scorned by the fugly old local women who can’t stand the attention they get. They will be ok to their faces then trash them, start rumors about them and generally do whatever they can to get them fired. Many of them don’t understand that when you’re old and fat nobody wants to see you in skimpy clothes. (I’m looking at you, Lisa Garnet-Furrow-Whatever. Stop grossing everyone out and buy clothes that fit. Really, you just make an ass out of yourself.) Make it to Beaverton, Portland, even Hillsburrito is better than Tigard. You REALLY don’t want those locals to be your neighbors.

  10. 14 . 04/29 at 7:05 pm

    You are absolutely correct. Tigard sucks.

    Everything about Tigard sucks. It has the ugliest downtown in the history of the world, the loudest and most ill-behaved brats and the dumbest people and most inept city government on earth.

    Tigard is a lower class hell hole. It is noisy, full of traffic, full of fumes and pollution (have you seen 99W?) and the ugliest vinyl houses ever. It has no night life, no interesting shopping and now no jobs.

    Houses in Tigard on Bull Mountain are over priced and have no yards. They have a gazillion children who are kicked out of the house at any hint of sun and go on to vandalize their neighbors, steal things and scream at the top of their lungs until nightfall.

    Tigard is the worst place to live in the history of the world. It will suck your soul out of your nostrils and beat you to death with it.

  11. 15 tigardhottie2000 01/06 at 9:02 pm

    Tigard is the coolest place ever! I love tigard so much, I’m getting it tattooed in a heart!
    tigard for eva!!!!
    tigard!!!
    for eva!!!!

  12. 16 reno55 11/15 at 7:17 pm

    So tigard sucks does it now!!! well it is better then this entire state of california that I live in this place fucking sucks!!!! and at least it rains up in portland I have not seen fucking rain for twelve years and I am not joking when I say that and at least you have clean air and trees we don’t have any of that shit down here the entire state is full of nothing but crime, drugs, and god knows what other shit there is down here and I don’t want to know I live in the meth capital of the world bakersfield CA I will trade places with anyone in tigard anyday of the week to get the fuck out of here.

    • 17 TigardIsGross 03/15 at 3:11 pm

      Then why don’t you? California has sun, industry, things to do, interesting people. Portland is mostly a grungy little town with people who need to be washed and almost no sunlight most of the year. Tigard is a hell hole….all the circles of hell.

  13. 18 Texas Triffid Ranch 10/27 at 10:54 am

    As the song goes, “And the most wonderful thing about Tigard is, it’s the only one!”

    • 19 TigardSux 02/14 at 10:20 pm

      Thank God. Tigard, Oregon sucks.

      It is a God-forsaken place if ever there was one.

      It rains all the time. It is depressing all the time. The people are nasty, nasty, nasty all the time.

  14. 20 Der 10/25 at 11:03 am

    I agree with just about everything included in those post but watch out for those gags about 45 -55 year old divorcees stuck with a boring jobs and dreary personal lives. It’s very easy to become one of those yourself if you don’t watch out.

  15. 22 J 10/24 at 8:00 pm

    LMAO! I moved to the Lake O/Tigard area this year from SE Portland and yeah, it is a lot of suck.


  1. 1 » Blog Archive » Things About Portland That Do Not Suck Trackback on 11/04 at 1:03 pm

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