They are everywhere. Spawned from the pits of telemarketing cubicles; an army of petitioners are growing on the streets of downtown Portland. These creatures can be spotted blocks away. Here is how you identify them:
- Backpack or fanny pack
- Facial Hair (Not gender specific)
- Wears layers of clothing or a costume
- Really tan
- Like to argue with you
Living and working downtown affords one the opportunity to be harassed by these people four or five times a day. One wonders if this is not part of a plan to give snotty homeless tourist kids something to do other than ask for change and scream songs at food cart customers. This may only be anecdotal, but personally over the last 3 to 4 months I’ve noticed that for every pan-handler I run into I hit at least 2 of these petitioners (and my daily route includes Skidmore fountain and a number of Old Town soup kitchens.
Ever tried to eat at Pioneer Square lately or maybe outside of Big Pink? Were you also assaulted by the slacker save-the-children-on-tree-welfare-and-don’t-forget-to-vote brigade? Did flecks of spit get in your eye and on your burrito as they continued to not take “No!” for an answer? Did you even for the smallest instant picture what it would be like to gouge their eyes out with their own pen while shoving their clipboards so far up their ass that they couldn’t ever wear a hat again? Yeah, me neither.
I never thought I’d say this, but I’d rather them ask for change or cigarettes.