#35 Tonya Harding

Like salt in an old, crusty, gangrenous wound, Tonya -I destroyed my athletic career, reputation and hopes for an Olympic medal by conspiring with my ass of husband to whack Nancy Kerrigan in the knee– Harding has reemerged, appearing on the TODAY show! Apparently, Ms. Tonya has written a book which attempts to disperse the blame of her downfall over any and everyone she’s ever met.

Once the golden child of Portland, Tonya reached new heights as the first American woman to complete a triple axel (whatever that means). She won the U.S. Figure Skating Championships twice and finished behind Kristi Yamaguchi in the World Championships. So, why is Tonya Harding such a sore spot to Portland?

Folks living in Stumptown during 1994 remember how the international Tonya Harding scandal hit embarrassingly to close to home. The International news community painted Tonya as trailer trash from Portland, or that she was from Portland and therefore trailer trash. This isn’t to say that their assessments were entirely unfair, and that Tonya didn’t dig herself into a pretty deep hole. The whole “Nancy Kerrigan WHY ME! WHYYYYYY!” ordeal aside, there’s quite a bit more that contributed to Tonya’s downfall. A few highlights:

  • Dropping out of Milwaukee High School to earn her G.E.D. STRIKE 1!
  • Filming a sex tape with former husband Jeff Gillooly which, naturally, ended up on the internet STRIKE 2! *
  • Entering the sport of professional boxing because she was broke and needed the money STRIKE 3!

If Harding followed rules, she should be out.

However, with Tonya’s reemergence as an author (cough, cough, choke, gag, cough), Portlanders cringe and hope mention of our fair town will be omitted entirely. Lucky for us, there seems to be a very thin silver lining in all of this. It does appear, friends, that Tonya has packed up the trailer and hauled her washed-up tookis over the river to … you guessed it! Vancouver! Somehow, that seems fantastically appropriate.

* Or would that be ball 2? Bad joke

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