#35 Tonya Harding

Like salt in an old, crusty, gangrenous wound, Tonya -I destroyed my athletic career, reputation and hopes for an Olympic medal by conspiring with my ass of husband to whack Nancy Kerrigan in the knee– Harding has reemerged, appearing on the TODAY show! Apparently, Ms. Tonya has written a book which attempts to disperse the blame of her downfall over any and everyone she’s ever met.

Once the golden child of Portland, Tonya reached new heights as the first American woman to complete a triple axel (whatever that means). She won the U.S. Figure Skating Championships twice and finished behind Kristi Yamaguchi in the World Championships. So, why is Tonya Harding such a sore spot to Portland?

Folks living in Stumptown during 1994 remember how the international Tonya Harding scandal hit embarrassingly to close to home. The International news community painted Tonya as trailer trash from Portland, or that she was from Portland and therefore trailer trash. This isn’t to say that their assessments were entirely unfair, and that Tonya didn’t dig herself into a pretty deep hole. The whole “Nancy Kerrigan WHY ME! WHYYYYYY!” ordeal aside, there’s quite a bit more that contributed to Tonya’s downfall. A few highlights:

  • Dropping out of Milwaukee High School to earn her G.E.D. STRIKE 1!
  • Filming a sex tape with former husband Jeff Gillooly which, naturally, ended up on the internet STRIKE 2! *
  • Entering the sport of professional boxing because she was broke and needed the money STRIKE 3!

If Harding followed rules, she should be out.

However, with Tonya’s reemergence as an author (cough, cough, choke, gag, cough), Portlanders cringe and hope mention of our fair town will be omitted entirely. Lucky for us, there seems to be a very thin silver lining in all of this. It does appear, friends, that Tonya has packed up the trailer and hauled her washed-up tookis over the river to … you guessed it! Vancouver! Somehow, that seems fantastically appropriate.

* Or would that be ball 2? Bad joke

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16 Responses to “#35 Tonya Harding”


  1. 1 V.E.G. 07/18 at 10:28 am

    There is another crime with the same names as Nancy and Tanya:

    A crime victim, Jerry Shelley left behind his wife, Nancy, while Henry Scott Finney, left behind his sister Tonya (sic) Harvey!

    Both Shelley and Finney are shot dead by a crazy old man!

  2. 2 tom 10/26 at 11:40 am

    Looks more like she should be holding ring cards for a dog-fight in Reno.

  3. 3 Ken Fuxalot 01/07 at 6:23 pm

    Now I now why they refer to Portland as Porkland…land of chunky chicks !

  4. 4 David David 04/29 at 2:52 pm

    Man, I lived in that gloomy town for a decade and if you want a representative chick of Portland, Tanya is a great example!

  5. 6 Joe 02/26 at 8:27 pm

    look at Tonya Harding making a big comeback…

  6. 7 D Martin 02/18 at 2:28 pm

    I think Everyone hates this bi@tch, she doesn’t deserve to be famous, she’s disgusting even to look at, and did you hear her say she didn’t deserve bad press, lmfao, she deserves to have her legs broken, but she’d just write another book, I say we just ignore her and let her live on foodstamps.

  7. 8 Ryan Thompson 09/28 at 11:59 pm

    Damn she got FAT..

  8. 9 JudgeJulien 09/14 at 10:45 pm

    Why no mention of our other favorite Portland celebrity–Miss Monica Screwinsky?

  9. 10 Pete 09/02 at 7:55 pm

    A fat ugly crackhead

  10. 11 Matt 06/01 at 10:45 am

    she went to the same middle school as me

  11. 12 Kalle 06/01 at 7:19 am

    really like tanya. always have. don’t know why. something really fascinating with her.

  12. 13 marty batfreak 05/24 at 4:20 pm

    *groan* she’s just been interviewed on a Sunday morning here in Australia about this piece of published pap.

    What a waste of time – no one cares about this whingeing queen of crap anymore, and she will never be able to shift the blame elsewhere, especially when you consider the Three Strikes that you’ve mentioned here.

  13. 14 Bpaul 05/20 at 9:51 pm

    “However, the fact that she’s published a book does explain why Crayolas have been in such short supply up in Vantucky. Mystery solved!”

    Oh snap, hehe.

  14. 15 Samuel John Klein 05/16 at 7:14 pm

    Well, to be completely accurate, Tonya (like Lars) doesn’t even live in Portland … she lives near Camas.

    However, the fact that she’s published a book does explain why Crayolas have been in such short supply up in Vantucky. Mystery solved!

  15. 16 Brian Alexander 05/16 at 1:10 pm

    That is funny and a funny blog.

    What a great/bad picture of Tonya! 😯


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