#00 Trees*

This is one is so obvious, it’s almost silly to even spend the effort to write about. But COME ON PORTLAND. What is UP with all the trees? Not only are we the laughing stock of the lower 48 (“Portland, Oregon? Yeah, that place SUCKS! There are SO MANY TREES!”), but these overgrown weeds are simply a nuisance to the workings of this city.

After deciduous leaves turn all shades of colors and delicately drift to the ground each autumn, they have to be painstakingly swept/blown/sucked from lawns and streets. Evergreen trees omit that piney aroma which is an assault on the olfactory senses. In the summertime, the trees create so much SHADE, that the sun’s scorching rays are all but blocked from the pasty flesh of us good Portlanders. AND they just make everything look so GREEN and LUCIOUS. Seriously folks, pick up your hatchets, chainsaws, torches, locusts, etc. and stop the insanity.

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*April Fool’s!

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7 Responses to “#00 Trees*”


  1. 1 Paul Johnson 09/19 at 12:17 pm

    I’m beginning to believe that the editor is not from Portland, but rather a tourist who can’t remember how to get home.

  2. 2 Matt 06/01 at 10:37 am

    This is most likely one of the most rediculous blogs that I have ever read in my life. If you have so many problems with Portland, why dont you get the fuck out of here. Portland is filled with people that enjoy the trees, the rose fest, and all of the other things that you sat and wrote a rediculously long blog about. The people that live in Portland love all of the trees, in fact we wouldnt mind more. You are mainly insulting the general public of portland for their lifestyles. Thanks for being an asshole and wasting your time that you could spend voting for john mccain or something else republican.

    • 3 Apple Jack 01/21 at 10:49 pm

      It says, and I hope you can read the big fucking asterisk by the headline, APRIL FOOL’S! OMG how braindead must you be to miss the classic Oregonian tounge-in-cheek irony here? Must be from California, or Gresham. Geez. Listen, go down to your local Plaid Pantry, get a sense of humour for $1.95 and then come back here. Every Oregonian loves trees, otherwise we wouldn’t be here.

  3. 4 Mags 05/31 at 2:50 pm

    Wow, look at that beautiful city. How lovely.

  4. 5 John Russell 04/01 at 11:19 pm

    Welcome to Stumptown, USA.

  5. 6 Nick Bostic 04/01 at 1:37 pm

    I’ll never forget a few years ago going to the PDX Street of Dreams with a friend and his dad and the dad proclaimed “These houses would be great if it weren’t for all of these trees blocking the view”.

    I disagree, but a part of me is hoping this is an April Fools post.

  6. 7 B2G 04/01 at 1:03 pm

    I now officially think “The Editor” is crazy.


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