#5 Flooded Stripper Market

outsidehorizontal1.jpgNot every girl can be born with respectable names like Samantha, Sarah or Susie. Maybe strippers were born with those names, but just rename themselves to Candy, Mercedes and Gypsy (also terrible American Gladiator nicknames). But for every sweet Candy, there are two other sour looking ladies that NEED TO GO!

Portland is known for its dearth of strip clubs. Along with the dearth of strip clubs, comes a dearth of strippers. It seems as if anyone west of the Mississip’ with a hoo-ha and a love of $1 bills has come to our fair city to shake her thang. Among the larger clubs in the Portland area, Sassy, A-Crop, Cabaret, Magic Garden, Mary’s Club and Devil’s Point come to mind for the most consistent flood of fuglies.

Any given night, you’ll be throwing Washingtons at your favorite Mercedes. You might enjoy her pole work, or the way she abuses the ground with insidious foot stomping. One song later, you come into contact with what can only be described as “The Ugly One”*. Is this a ploy by the management to make you hang on through a few more songs, hoping Candy will come back? Maybe force you to take it to the lap-dance area?

Stripping, in general, cannot be defined as an actual “career.” You do not get business cards. But ideally, there should be a certain level of professionalism. I understand that people face impossible situations and circumstances preventing a Vegas-like striptastic body. Knowing this, prevents me from enjoying that one girl named Gypsy (not the hot one, but the ugly version).

*”The Ugly One” ingredients (pick two):
Overly tattoed, too many piercings, waaay too skinny, stretch marks, a grandmother, drugged out/worn out, too much makeup, flat chested or National Geographic tits.


21 Responses to “#5 Flooded Stripper Market”

  1. 1 Tammi 05/23 at 3:17 pm

    Portland has plenty of wonderful strippers to choose from. That’s one of the things I really like about that town, actually.

  2. 2 Zeke Krahlin 09/23 at 10:19 pm

    Maybe “Dearth” is another common name for a stripper?

  3. 3 Sam 08/16 at 11:40 pm

    True. Flat chested girls do make bank because a lot of guys (like me) are into them.

  4. 4 Dollie 05/24 at 9:42 pm

    i AM one of those flat chested strippers. Bit late for this article but i’ve seen many flat girls such as myself bank because they don’t have fat sacks.

  5. 6 PD-EX... 01/27 at 7:05 pm

    This city is SOO enlightened, and also SOO egalitarian!

  6. 7 richbachelor 01/10 at 5:32 pm

    “Surfeit” is also an elegant opposite of dearth.

  7. 8 hmmmm... 01/10 at 5:20 am

    Well, to each his own. I really, really dig the small-breasted ladies, including ones that often get labeled “flat-chested”. And no, I’m not a perv… I’m talking about post-pubescent women, a decent percentage of whom are still on the lovely, cute and/or athletic and/or svelte smaller side (even the smallest side). And not every girl who is skinny has an eating disorder–some are just genetically sculpted that way.

  8. 9 No old Beavers please! 10/30 at 1:50 pm

    Yea Acrop has some old fuglies there. *cough*Memory*cough*

  9. 10 Yuki 09/14 at 9:36 pm

    Hey, I like the tattooed and pierced girlies…I sure don’t like the strippers with attitude and bitchface though.

  10. 11 TLC Tugger 09/05 at 10:07 am

    Anyone been to Magic Gardens?

  11. 12 Doug 08/05 at 3:26 pm

    To be sure, the strippers at Mary’s Club are so ugly, they give Freddy Kreuger nightmares!

  12. 13 Joshua 07/10 at 1:34 pm

    I think glut is probably the best word to describe the oversupply.

    transitive verb
    1 : to fill especially with food to satiety
    2 : to flood (the market) with goods so that supply exceeds demand

  13. 14 Dixon 06/01 at 12:25 am

    The word used should be ‘abundance’ in place of dearth.

    spend·y Audio Help (spěn’dē) Pronunciation Key
    adj. Chiefly Pacific Northwest
    Expensive; costly.

  14. 16 Gypsy 04/09 at 6:12 pm

    I’m just wondering why you chose to use the name “Gypsy” as one of your random stripper names in your “article”. There are only three dancers who go by Gypsy in portland that I’m aware of, and I hope you’re not referring to me.

  15. 18 Mr. Derka 03/18 at 12:00 am

    and conversely… imagine how little money these strippers make… in a town that has invented a ‘word’ for expensive…

    Those strippers are ‘spendy’… yes that is a made up only in Portland word, spellcheck it!

  16. 19 thingsaboutportlandthatsuck 03/13 at 8:36 pm

    Hmm, I think a friend mentioned “diluted”, which is probably the best description.

  17. 20 Dave 03/13 at 7:40 pm

    Yeah, what Scott said. I think you meant:

    1. overabundance; excess: a plethora of advice and a paucity of assistance.

  18. 21 Scott 03/13 at 4:41 pm

    n 1: a severe shortage (especially a shortage of food) [syn: famine,
    2: an insufficient quantity or number [syn: paucity]

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