Mary's Grand Opening!

Over the course of the next couple of seasons, the show would continue to highlight more of “Boston’s” metro area spots like Gilt Club, North Park Blocks and Big Pink. This made me wonder, “What other shows are set in Portland?” The garbage began to stack up.

Portlandia – Set and filmed in Portland. If you think this show is a perfect depiction of Portland, you might be right. If you think this show is one of the funniest shows on TV, you would definitely be wrong. Portlandia is a pile of diarrhea. I understand that Fred and Carrie are trying to poke fun at Portland through a series of sketches, but can you remember any that are actually funny? For those of you who say “Put a Bird On It” was hilarious, I ask you to think of how it ends. Now, go back and watch it. Yeah, not very funny.

Free Agents – Set in Portland. Two funny people acting in two unfunny character roles. The PR business is boring, dull and life sucking (like Aloha!). If it hasn’t been cancelled yet, it should be (like Aloha!).

Under Suscpision – Set and filmed in Portland. Cancelled after one season

Life Unexpected – Set in Portland. Cancelled

Nowhere Man – Set in Portland.  Cancelled after one season

Grimm – Set and filmed in Portland. Feels like NBC’s attempt to get into the Sci-Fi biz ala “X-Files”, “Fringe” and “Eureka”.  Their “pilot” episode is about a college student who is mysteriously attacked. HA! Pilot!

The only successful show I see coming from this city is a fictional, African American comedy about two rookies drafted by the Blazers in the early 00′s (may or may not be on CW). One is from a small town in Texas, where he was born with values and a God-fearing sense of decency. The other is from some ghetto on the East Coast who loooves marijuana. They get an apartment together. Its “the Odd Couple” meets “Weeds.” Comedy. Insanity. Ratings.

What would the name of that show be?

(Willamette Week/AP)

The Tiger is the  U.S. Representative for Oregon’s 1st congressional district. As a beast and congressman, The Tiger has been a part of some landmark moments that have shaped our country.

The Tiger was born in the 1950′s, when Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes was in need of a mascot to appear on packaging and advertising campaigns.  They settled with a Chinese immigrant from Taiwan and The Tiger became a huge success with children everywhere.  Over the generations he became one of the greatest cartoon icons in the realm of Goofy, Sonic and the Tasmanian Devil.

In his final year at Yale Law School, the Tiger was contacted by American rock band Survivor to pen the theme for Rocky III.  The movie was a story about an epic battle with Man (Mr. T) vs. Man (Mr. B).  In one of the greatest collaborations in the history of mankind, Rocky III would debut “Eye of the Tiger” to moviegoers and radio enthusiasts everywhere.  In his first attempt, The Tiger found success at #2 and was nominated for an Academy Award. His second musical collaboration united a group of rappers that went on to some success in the hip hop community.

In 1998, he teamed up with the Democrat party and successfully won a seat as United State’s newest congressman.  Although his reign would last twelve years, it also introduced a dark longing to return to the jungle.

On October 30th, 2010, Blackberry emails, texts and images surfaced showing the Tiger under the influence of jungle fever.  He would proceed to embarrass his staff and Oregonians over the next couple of months until The Tiger was put down by WWeek.com.  Currently, his blood is being sold on the black market fueling other crazy outbursts and behavioral changes in humans.

Snow: Frozen crystalized rain. You can manipulate these tiny crystals into a bunch of balls representing fat people.
+
Apocalypse: The End of the World. Complete desperation and loss of hope. The Walking Dead + Left 4 Dead + CW’s 90210.

This sudden bombardment of freaky cold temperatures causes such a stupid panic that Coloradans only laugh at the mild winter Portland residents call “Snowpocalypse”. For those of you lucky enough to not know the definition, Snowpocalypse is the cataclysmic event of snow touching the valley floor. The degree of snow doesn’t really matter. In fact, it could snow one inch and that will cause more accidents than 1/10th an inch of rain. If you were to ask an Eastern Oregonian (.ie Real Oregon) why Portlanders easily scare of snow, its because they don’t know how to drive. TAPtS has already covered this issue and it is FACT.

Unfortunately, the introduction of winter weather is a scary event for the City of Portland. Businesses are forced to close because Beaverton residents can’t make it into downtown for work. People abandoned their cars rather than wait through hours of traffic and chaos. If you dare leave the house, you will be faced with soft powdery locusts waiting to bite at your rosey cheeks. Snowpocalypse is really the end of days… until it bumps back up to 47 degrees and rains all week.

For those of you stranded at home during the work week, I recommend these things:

1. Call your mother and tell her you love her.
2. Cuddle with your significant other
2a. If you don’t have a loved one, then play video games ’til your thumbs are red
3. Catch up on all the shit that is NSFW. Cracked.com, Funnyordie.com, Thesuperficial.com, Thedirty.com, etc.

Leave some recommendations on how you plan to beat the sleet.

Up and down the streets of Portland walk lazy bastards with the equivalent of a backwards vacuum strapped to their backs, blowing their leaf refuse into the streets. Nothing ruins a perfectly nice fall morning/afternoon/night/midnight than a leaf blower, revved up and spitting gasoline into your face as you walk by. But, you may argue, people all across this great nation use leaf blowers. Why is this something that sucks about Portland? Because Portlanders should know better.

Late 2009, citizens within the city limits of Portland tried to gets these noise/air pollutants banned. Instead, our City Government came up with mandatory decibel levels for leaf blowers. You could now receive a $300-$3000 fine for blowing too loud in Portland. The max level is set to about the sound of a noisy restaurant or vacuum cleaner outside your window. But Holy Hell!!! It sounds much louder and more annoying than Henrys at happy hour… Okay, so maybe not as annoying as this conversation overheard at Henry’s Tavern:

Guy- I work in the M Financial building as a banker.
Girl- Oh that’s neat! I’ve been a stylist for about three years.
Guy- So, what made you want to jump on Match.com?”

Besides the obvious arguments against leaf blowers (loud, noxious, ineffective) there is also the fact that when you choose to live in a “liveable” city, you sign up for certain amount of self awareness for the good of the neighborhood. One such “inconvenience” is to get off your lazy ass and rake your yard! Unfortunately for the people living downtown, you don’t have a say in the ungodly hours that leaf blowers are contracted to operate. So instead of working on a way to ban them, let’s keep doing what every average Portlander does best: bitch about it on the internet!

Before this blog was created, a group of friends visited the Cheerful for cheap “recovery food”. A friend ordered the pancakes… and he is a no-pro when it comes to culinary experiences. After waiting 45 minutes, he was eventually served well-done, black pancakes. This North American flapjack was so burnt we tossed them across the table to test it’s sturdiness.

Recently, I came here around 8 pm on a Sunday night for a simple Club sandwich and fries. At 7 am on Monday morning, I called in sick for work. Gross.

To be honest, it isn’t fair to expect an excellent meal when you step inside either of the two entrances to this dive bar. The floor is generations old. The grand ole fire pit appears to be days away from consuming the entire neighborhood in hellfire. The walls, bar, table, stools, chairs, etc. are covered in stains and that sticky black residue scientifically known as “gunk”. But it must be noted that you cannot expect Cheerful Tortoise to care when they have +20 high definition tvs to pull your attention away. On a Sunday morning during Football season, the only person who cares about the shit-holesque atmosphere are the Pearl girlfriends drug dragged here because On Deck didn’t have the game in high def.

There are four tier’s of female when it comes to these alcohol establishments. Mothers hate sport/dive bars (Vinny’s mom). Women tolerate them because they enjoy the company of friendship that usually surrounds dive bars (Sammi “Sweatheart”). Girls like going here because guys will buy them drinks just for showing up (J-Woww). Chicks absolutely f***ing LOVE these places because they can get hammered at any point of the day (Snooki). I’m pretty sure mothers and women would leave after they see the bathrooms at Cheerful Tortoise. Girls would complain, but after a couple of drinks, a girl has got to pee. Chicks, well chicks don’t care where they piss. It could be the girls bathroom, guys, bush, just as long as they can drop a thong it won’t matter.

Now like every dive bar in the world, there are some big draws to the general community. The daily drink specials, Thursday’s $1 beer night, Karaoke from Wednesday to Saturday, NFL Sunday ticket and super cheap breakfast specials keep people from coming back. Two out of those four reason are why I go back to the Cheerful Tortoise. Why in the hell would you?

Ghost bikes are these bicycles that are painted white and locked near an intersection where a cyclist died. They’re supposed to serve as a reminder to cars to slow down and look for bikes. However, it’s pretty ineffective seeing as 101% of bikers don’t actually brake for intersections. Actually, people who don’t ride bikes, ride their bikes through intersections without breaking. Some purist have even disabled their braking system in order to achieve a more manageable gear ratio.

Nooow, serious cyclists don’t use helmets because it makes them look dorky. Instead, they’ll use these little cycling caps that offer twice as much protection, while looking only three times dorkier than a traditional helmet. Have you ever picked up a chick on your bike? Ladies, do you ever think people pay attention to what helmet you are wearing whilst leaning on your cruiser?

If I ever die on my bike, please promise to complete a thorough investigation to determine whether or not the accident was my fault. And if it was my fault please don’t lock my bike to a stop sign. Because if you find I cruised through an intersection without a helmet, I don’t want dudes in short pants/little hats having a circle jerk on account of my own foolishness. But then again, I’ll be dead.

Don’t be stupid. Wear Protection. http://www.bicyclinginfo.org/bikemore/safely.cfm

Sports hatred isn’t like real hatred. Its an extreme dislike for a sports team, coach or player that usually pisses you off so much that it turns into fake hate. With sports hatred, you get that hot feeling in your stomach but aren’t going to go on a killing spree. You’ll say you wish they would’ve died in that motorcycle accident, but if they actually broke their neck in a game… you’d feel terrible for them and their family (on a side note, you still LOL when they get a six game suspension for being a huge douche bag). For the female readers who don’t like sports, this is very similar to Snooki Hatred and Annoying-Drunk-Girl Hatred.

I sports hate Rudy Fernández. As the 2010 Playoffs unfold, my eyes are focused on the utter destruction that he has caused this team. He can’t block, shoot, pass, defend, dribble, or do anything consistently. Since he became a starter for the 2010 Playoffs, it seems like he doesn’t even want to be a part of this team. The shot selection and attempts are disgusting. To watch Rudy defend against pick and rolls, high screens or J-Rich makes me furious. During Game 3 of the 2010 Playoffs, I wanted to rip my hair out and punch a small, but fixable hole through the wall. TAPTerS, I’m so angry because I know Nate McMillan isn’t about to switch to Bayless.

When it was announced Roy would be unable to play in Round 1, the entire city looked to Rudy as a beacon of hope. We ignored his awful playoff’s debut in 2009. There were flashes of brilliance in the NBA, but more so in the 2008 Olympics against the 3rd greatest NBA All-star team ever. Fernández showed us he could be a star. It was his turn to prove that deserved more minutes. The “I ♥ Rudy” tshirts were going to fly off the shelves. Portland believed it was his time. After game 3, Rudy’s time is up.

Here are what readers are saying about the guy we traded Chocolate Rain for:

Artistic hipster who is built like an outside lineman “Step up… or get out…”

Asian who eats for four “Where were you Rudy? / We could have used you early. / Step up amigo.”

Kinda looks like Brandon Roy “I can’t even talk about Rudy. That’s how he makes me feel”

Recently transplanted to Southern California “I am 1000 miles away but for some reason it is obvious to me but not Rudy that he cannot make a fade away shot, but he is dead on jumping straight up or forward. So everytime I see him throwing up that off balance crap it makes me cringe. He has no game inside the 3 point line, he takes too many risks in his passes and on defense. Sit back by the 3 point line and shoot those 3s monkey”

Fiery Daywalker (Redhead that can tan) “Didn’t want to watch it”

*In soccer**, Sports Hatred is real hatred.
**I don’t speak Spanish.

Recently

Essentially, this is what happens: A “homeless/transient/minority” is “acting crazy/wielding an unknown object/being a minority” in a residential or public area in Portland. The first reporting officer to this disturbance discovers a situation that will quickly escalate if not remedied immediately. I assume the officer have a 80/20 advantage over the person in question due to their training. Once the officer approaches the suspect, they will tell them to drop some weapon, or get to the ground in which the suspicious person declines. As a peacekeeper, the officer must handle the situation in order to protect the public. So far in 2010, two people have died due to lethal force. One man was unarmed, while the other armed with an Exact-O-Knife.

The media tells us that an officer has killed another person due to some conflict and the other party was unarmed, sober, or wielding a weapon that most of us wouldn’t find dangerous. When is the last time you witnessed a transient wielding a razor in a public park? How about a crazy bum yelling obscenities, trying to fight nearby people? How did you handle the situation? Did you think to yourself, “I’ll go take care of this situation with non-lethal force so the police don’t show up and kill this guy?”

Portlanders pay the City of Portland to take care of any situation deemed unsafe. What do we do when the police force has become unsafe for the general population? Are they going to start pulling weapons out even when they are off duty? Oh shit…

Injuries Schminjuries!

There is only one person to blame for this horrific fall out, and that is Head Coach Nate McMillan*.

As the only Pro team in Portland for the past couple of decades, Blazer fans have become obsessed with a NBA championship. I can go on and on about the history of barely getting there (17 point lead!?!?), but the discussion isn’t about triumphing over adversity. This is about us dumping the Captain of Crap. You will notice in the diagram what most die hard Blazer fans already know. McMillan hasn’t won shit. A coach is not supposed to be a leader in “Missed Playoffs.” The Portland Trailblazer coach is supposed to lead us to the playoffs and win us a championship. That is not the coach we currently have in place.

Are we to let us fans look at this current injury list as an excuse to let McMillan off the hook? Absolutely not! He can’t make in-game adjustments. The roster changes are so outrageous, even curly red-fro Blazer dancer scratches her head. Portland is crumbling under the poor leadership that McMillan has to offer. History has shown that no matter what happens, we are not going to win a championship under him. What do you think?

*The Strength Trainer is a close 2nd

We have all heard about the UK transportation study in 2008 that showed texting is worse than driving drunk. The ban was specifically directed towards restricting a driver’s ability to use his mobile device, so they can focus on the road. I believe, the law was created to protect victims of motor vehicle accidents caused by a driver using his mobile device. Now, how in the world are you going to figure that out? “Yes, officer. He was texting which caused him to run that stop sign and T-bone me.” Stupid.

The real world applications of 3G phones are to provide more flexibility when we are away from the computer. Google Maps, GPS, Twitter, Facebook, Pandora, 4Square, Scrabble, the list of apps could go on forever. Some of these apps provide us with valuable information which improve our ability to operate our hybrids. This mobile ban has crippled the effectiveness of the motor vehicle operator. What’s wrong with being stuck in traffic and using your iPhone to find an alternate route?

This new law is a joke and an insult to good drivers everywhere. Bad drivers are stupid people. Stupid people will text that they are late to the club while driving after drinking five beers. West Linn soccer mom is still going to check her Facebook status while waiting at a stop light. A mid-30′s Vice President cannot help but check Twitter updates driving down the I-5 corridor in their tinted window luxury car. The State of Oregon has passed yet another law affecting all of the normal folks because of the actions by a few idiots.

It all started with my 1920′s house located a block away from the Clear WiMAX tower. I noticed it while walking to my favorite happy hour spot on a lovely April afternoon. After listening to the massive marketing efforts, I decided to look into this new 4G wireless network (Remember, I live in an old house with two prong electrical outlets and no cable jacks). The initial setup took 30 minutes from Clear’s store to my computer. For something technological to just work amazed me, and I was certain that this experience would continue.

After the first two months went by, I noticed from 5-8pm the Internet would crawl. This is when I decided to upgrade my 3 mbs home plan to 6 megabits per second. The customer service rep assured me faster speeds. Mind you, I love hating Comcast (it’s like hating Microsoft, At&t, and the Lakers) so never having to deal with them brought happiness to my soul.

Everything appeared to be working faster during the day but I was still noticing problems at night. Streaming Netflix just crawled at night. That’s when I was introduced to a new friend called speedtest.net.  This one free  site introduced me to the real world of Clear. Not only had I never received 3 or 6 megabits/second during internet use, spending $10 more for the upgrade didn’t even matter.  I would never come close to 3 megabits during “peak hours”. Clear customer support would never fully answer this question, but I was informed to reach optimum speeds you must:

• Receive a five bar single (Since I live 1/2 a block away from a tower, I always get 4-5 bars)
• Disable your anti-virus software
• Don’t use a wireless router
• Plug straight into the Clear box

Now that is just ridiculous  so I decided to test it using a wireless router and Speedtest.net’s iPhone app.  Here are the results:

Results using a PC with Anti-Virus software turned on and plugged directly into the Clear box:

Now here is the kicker. Ten minutes after this speed test, I lost Clear service entirely for an hour. When I called Clear’s support line I received an automated message that they were aware of problems in my coverage area. Portlanders, you DO have a problem in your area; Clear WiMAX.

*To be fair, Comcast does own a large stake in Clear

I’m tired with people mentioning their Whole Paycheck experience. It makes me want to vomit when I hear talk about how much their pasta salad lunch cost. You seriously think the “make your own sandwich” is better than a deli? All natural, organic and whole foods don’t taste bad to me. Somehow, 365 has found a way to consistently provide me with the worst food ever.

There is no reason to shop at Whole Foods… ever. Do you want to support the local farmer? Then go to any of the amazing Co-Ops we have throughout PDX. The “local” farmers who provide produce to Whole Foods are actually packing sheds hundred miles away from town. Organic produce does not provide more nutrients than real produce. Could you imagine a world where all produce is organic? Humanity would die of starvation the minute a disease hits. By pissing away your money for a perceived notion of health, you are supporting starvation in the world.*

You being fat and lazy isn’t going to be remedied by whole food. So, you hike every weekend. Big deal! Try enjoying a healthy diet rather than eating crappy food because its “organic and all natural”. 365 Wheat Pasta is still going to make your ass look fat in 7′s. Since November ’07, I have been Whole Foods/Wild Oats free. I’m happy to say that I’m still alive after eating normal foods.

*I’m allowed one ridiculous argument a year

Now that I saw the big picture through the bottom of a microbrew glass, I wanted to taste more… I needed to taste more. Brew fests, Blues Fests, Easter Beer hunts, brewery tours, even at one point I tried to brew my own stout (It tasted like mud water). Throughout these micro-adventures I would be introduced to a group of people that deserve their own classification.

Beer snobs are much like your Portland hippie. They live to be free from the social norms established by society. Five shirts, three cargo shorts/pants and Keen footwear is all they need for their wardrobe. No matter the environment, their thick husky beards will protect them from any weather. Although most of them are large bears, some have taken a liking to outdoor sports. Their motto: “Dead Guy is always served best after a hike on Dog Mountain”.

However, NEVER confuse the beer snob with a wine snob. Unlike wine snobs, who are usually rich and affluent, beer snobs thrive on having a unique taste unlike any other human on this planet. One could be an executive of an interactive agency in town. Another could be a Hood River ski bum. No matter what their background, they will forever argue about which organic beer is better. So what’s the only thing they can agree on? Light beer was created by women, for men.

Since BBP first hit my lips, I’m proud to say I love microbrews. I’m pretty sure I’ve been to more microbreweries west of the Mississippi than 75% of the American population. But most days, I couldn’t even imagine drinking a Blackfoot Bitter. All I want is a cool, cold refreshing Coors Light on my front porch. So to you Mr. Beer Snob, I could care less that I’m drinking a wussies beer. I may not share your unique taste, but at least I don’t share your smell.

You park your Maserati next to me at Albertson’s then glare at me while I get into my moderately priced SUV as you load your organic veggies and strawberry Go-gurt into what was once considered a fine piece of Italian engineering and has now been caged and turned into your grocery getter. Country Club Road is clogged with your Escalades and Hummers in pearl white and I-try-to-hard yellow (respectively). You consistently travel at least 5-10 miles under the speed limit. All of this just to say ‘Look at me! I’m so rich I am a better person than you’.

Manzana happy hour you say? Sounds great! Plans are instantly foiled because you all have been there since 2pm. Why? Because you don’t work. Why would you? Your father, I mean hubby is OLD and has money and therefore a job is simply out of the question. You have more important things to do. Like Manis and martinis with your token favorite gay friend from SE!

Coworkers and I would take to the shuffle board tables, play pool, enjoy their happy hour drink and food specials.  Although the venue did turn into a huge frat party after 10, it was still a great place to watch games and just relax after work.  Blitz was an upscale version of the Cheerful bars.  Just one of those bars you wish you could replicate in every neighborhood in Portland (which they ended up doing in East Ladd), that is until my favorite bar in Northwest became Pearlified.

Recently, there was a sporting event that my coworkers and I wanted to watch.  Without question we were out the door headed to Blitz.  From a distance, we noticed a new feminine looking sign: Blitz Pearl.  Upon entering Blitz, we were surprised to see the entire place had been renovated.  The abundant pool tables, air hockey, hdtvs, projector screen, shuffle board and enclosed bar area had been removed.  In their absence were leather couches, two pool tables and one shuffle board table.  The new management team had gutted out the entire feel of Blitz.

The best way I can compare it; it was like the girlfriend moved in.  Suddenly, all the fun was gone.  Now you have to watch Thursday night College Football in the bedroom because it’s her book club night.  That’s what the new Blitz:Pearl feels like.

Our favorite hangout place has been taken away from us.  The bartender treated us like sh*t and one coworker made the perfect comment, “It seemed like she hated the fact we were there”.  The feeling is mutual Blitz:Pearl.

Update: Portland Mercury has a great post about saving Blitz: http://blogtown.portlandmercury.com/BlogtownPDX/archives/2009/05/15/blitzed-five-fired-in-management-shakeup

Pioneer Square was a gift to Portland on her birthday in April 6, 1984.  Citizens of Portland were encouraged to donate personal bricks to the project.  Upon creating this living room, the City of Portland was aiming to build a social center.  As the project grew, the area was flooded with investors looking to develop around the Square, making it the heart of downtown. No one would disagree that this is the heart of Portland with the Pearl District being boobs* and the West hills representing the “delicate flower”.

As a first time visitor to Portland, Pioneer Square is a must-see on your itinerary.  With the plethora of shopping, hotels, dining and general weird that exists here, tourists would be missing out on a golden opportunity to experience all that is Portland. Pioneer Place offers the finest shopping experience outside of the rundown Lloyd Center Mall.  Street performers include “Silver Dude Playing With Balls” and “Man Drums on Buckets”.  A fan favorite event (I’ve never been) is the Flicks on Bricks, were movies can be viewed on bricks.  If you want a unique “Today Show”-esque experience, you can view KGW HD Studio on the Square.  Stephanie Strickland is our very own Meredith Vieira.

For those of us from the most miserable place to live, I generally find Pioneer Square to be a chore.  The sheer amount of tourists, bums, petitioners, street kids with pets and Clear reps is a little too much for me.  Like a day at Oaks Park, I feel overwhelmed by the miniverse that transpires here.  Pioneer Courthouse Square has become your college’s Fraternity basement.  A lot of people you don’t know/like reeking of alcohol.

*The Pearl is Portland’s boob job.

The good folks at Powell’s Bookstore have agreed to do a limited book run of the Top 100 things about Portland that suck(could also have something to do with the write up by TAP and their 1,000 increased page views a week). Our staff of writers will be doing book signings later this month at the downtown and SE locations. The book will retail at $10 and made to be recycled after the first reading.

Posted: 04/01/09

Located east of Portland in Multnomah County, Gresham is the fourth largest city in Oregon. The per capita income for this city was $19,588 for the last census taken in 2,000*. As the armpit of Multnomah County, Gresham spans a large section of agriculture area. Due to the low income housing environment, Gresham is plagued by gang violence and drugs. Activity related to shootings and meth house explosions can be viewed by Portlanders on KGW. Since we would never dare step foot in Gresham city limits, this is the only way we can experience the insanity… or unless your stereo was stolen from your car in Northwest.

Even though Tri-Met and City Police have been working together the past three years to increase passenger safety at the Max Blue Line stops, these still are hot spots for gang related activity. Basically, all those people unfortunate to be stuck in Gresham have to put up with this mess. The thing about Gresham that sucks the most: Gresham people hate Gresham as much as Portlanders.

On the positive note, there are some pretty decent people in Gresham.  They happily drive their minivans on Powell and Division to downtown Portland once a month.  With their Graco baby seats they purchased at Wal-Mart, Greshamites are those happy pedestrians you see at Waterfront Park.  I love watching at how happy they are to escape the depression of suburbia.

You won’t meet someone who throws around Gresham pride. Kids aren’t sporting their Centennial Eagles or Sam Barlow Bruins sweatshirts in Portland.  Why? Because they live in the most unhappy city in the metro area.  As the Portland Development Commission has successfully been cleaning up Portland, low-income families are being pushed into Gresham. Gresham Development Commission… I have one word for you: Sandy.

*This is important to know, because of all the fancy resturants that exist in Gresham, Sizzlers is #1 in my book.  Wait… you have a Red Lobster too?!?!

I’m a Californist.

My heart has learned to open up a little and become more open minded to people from California. Your views and tanned skin might be a different than mine, but I accept your existence. I understand that you moved to Portland because of our affordable living. Portland needs a little tweaking to be perfect in your eyes, and I accept the contributions you’ve made to our State. What irritates the $@%* out of me is how quickly you resort to a “Better-Than-You” attitude when the LA Lakers come to town.

Since the 80′s, we’ve had to put up with you snotty Laker fans due to their yearly visits during the NBA season. But it was in the 90′s that the Los Angeles Lakers and Portland Trailblazers were also consistently facing each other in the playoffs that the Lakers’ fan became really super ultra douchey. Enter the 2000 Western Conference Finals.

Down by 13 in the fourth quarter of Game Seven in the Western Finals, Portland suffered the greatest collapse in NBA history. “Kazaam” led his team to the improbable win. The Lakers would become NBA Champions for the first time since 1988. It was the beginning of two great teams going in two completely opposite directions.

Recently, the Lakers haven’t had much to look forward to in Rose Garden Arena. Kobe Bryant and Phil Jackson blame the weather for its impact on the Lakers’ recent performances here. They have not won a game here in the past four years.

As if their performance wasn’t a claim to lame, their California transplant “faithful” are. You can spot them a mile away.

• 24-Hour Fitness gym rat who wears yellow and purple shorts

• Orange skinned girl wearing a pink Lakers jersey at Buffalo Wild Wings

• Fat guy wearing #24 at pretty much any Portland home game

So you recently moved to Portland from California? Do yourself a favor and leave your LA Lakers gear at home. Stop being that guy/girl. You are openly giving us two visible reasons to hate you.

“PORTLAND, Ore. – Believe it or not, Portland has been named the “unhappiest place in the country.”

According to Business Week magazine, Portland ranks No. 1 on the list of miserable places to live.

To determine the ratings, Business Week looked at calls to a crisis intervention hotline, depression and divorce rates, crime, and even cloudy days – of which there are an average of 222 every year.

Maybe they forgot to get some local coffee and an umbrella.”

Now, I strongly disagree with Business Week, as Portland is awesome. I think most of this has to do with people from Gresham, Beaverton, Vancouver and Hillsboro calling Multnomah’s Suicide hot-line.  The divorce rates can be attributed to the seedy underbelly of Portland’s night scene (strip clubs, escort services, Dixie, etc.).  Liberal cities tend to have a higher divorce and crime rate anyways.

I’m disappointed that New Orleans didn’t win the coveted spot.  How did we beat them out?  I guess the truth hurts. I’m going to get my divorce on now.

My dislike for WW began in the Spring of 2006. I had recently moved from an apartment to a house in NE Portland. It was a hot day, full of chirping birds. Then I looked on my doorstep and saw that some jerk-off had thrown a copy of Willamette Week on our sidewalk. At first I was upset that someone in Portland wouldn’t recycle… until I realized what every one else already knows. The Willamette Week is trash. Pages of rumors, music listings and made up stories don’t deserve to be in the recycling bin along with a milk carton, Macy’s shipping box, Miller Lite 24-pack box or 1st draft of college thesis.

When you first think of Willamette Week, memories flood your cerebral cortex with happy ponderings: The first time your band was listed on the music pages. The witty liberal cartoons that made you look forward to every Wednesday. Let’s not forget my favorite game, “Guess what suburb the writers of Ask the Editor are from.” But then comes the day that you get over the Willamette Week.

Along with the minimal good stuff (Oregon political figures being brought down by sex scandals) you realize that the rest is a bunch of crap: the little nimby news stories and overly biased liberal agendas, the lack of genuine effort to report relevant thought or evidence in a particular story, the music reviews that fail to offer objective substance or information on the artist’s performance.

Basically, the Willamette Week is your old aging drunkle. He used to be hip and cool at one point. He was free and ALL over town! But the years have not been kind, and with age comes a creeping need for legitimacy, which does not really mesh with the fuck-the-man ethos of a free weekly. Just like your uncle can not concurrently hold a job, still drink every night and play in his never-quite-profitable band, the Willy Week cannot be doudy normal newspaper and quirky weekly.

After some deep investigative reporting*, I’ve found that the battle for eyes between Portland Mercury and WWeek has already been won. This community no longer feels DubDub offers anything important, though there are still some uses: Paper cut attacks. Starting fires. Wallpaper for the homeless. Prove you just moved to Portland. Wrapping Fish (Although Lars Larson believes this role is best served by the Oregonian). What else?

*I don’t do no reportin’

I’ve never lived in any city where general hygiene seems to be so “uncool.” Washing your hair every other month, taking as few showers as possible, and still engaging in physical activities such as biking, hiking, or yoga has an effect on others that cannot be ignored. Many of us who prescribe to a regular bathing schedule can smell the human bacterial colonies that live amongst us. Organic soap isn’t able to wash away the stank. Crystal deodorant is a sham. Therefore, our summers are littered with stinky progressives. Tears spring to sensitive eyes of hygiene-normals much like chopping onions. The offender, long used to the odor emanating from their body (or long accustomed to covering it up with patchouli oil, incense or pot) does not know the pain they causes. Or probably doesn’t care.

During the winter months, women don’t shave. Men grow out their hair and shave faces sparingly. The majority of us look disheveled amongst the professionals*. Of course, the advertising, marketing and tech communities are largely responsible for the lack of hygiene. Quirky personalities and possibly a case of Asperger Syndrome or ADD make it socially acceptable for them to go into meetings with 5 o’clock shadow and uncombed hair. As long as you are wearing designer denim with those Chuck Taylors and your facial scruff is covered with a cashmere scarf you are good to go.

The people of Portland have let themselves go. We do not take ourselves seriously. Other cities have no reason to take us seriously. If the cast of Charlie Brown were represented by major cities, we would be Pig-Pen. We stink.

*People with careers

• “Give Love a Bad Name”
  Overweight drunk dude, please stop screaming
• “Bobby McGee”
  Ladies, you don’t even know the words… sit down
• Disney tunes
  You are not going to show me the world
• “Love Shack”
  The original is annoying, what do you think you can add?

Ultimately, these performances give Portland’s karaoke scene a bad name.

Karaoke is when amateur singers perform popular songs for entertainment. You know that gal who sings a chilling rendition of “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera? What you just witnessed was an effortless performance. It should be noted that she also chose that song forty prior times and usually picks from a list of ten songs she’s comfortable with. Same goes for that guy who sings “Renegade” by Styx. All his friends know he’s picking it as his first song the moment Boiler Room is suggested. These two are examples of karaoke masters and they know how to entertain the masses.

However, karaoke is also an opportunity to be a jackass in front of a crowd. Portlanders are nice enough to applaud, but its painful to sit through a slur of “Dancing Queen”. There is an appropriate list of songs that you just can’t just screw up if you’re smashed when the KJ calls your name. Girls… pick any Madonna song. I have never heard any drunk chick screw up “Like a Virgin”. Guys… you stick to Neil Diamond. So good… So good…

For those of you who want to be better amateur singers, Alex Williams has created the Ten Karaoke Commandments:

Karaoke is not a singing contest
No text message voting, no record contracts, you won’t win any awards

Leave it all on the stage
Don’t just stand there, get up and do some moves. Just perform, don’t have any regrets.

Use a fake name
Create a persona, it’s not you, it’s that other person

No groups – Two people at most
There are only two microphones so if you’re not holding a microphone, you’re irrelevant and get off the stage

Know your range
Know what type of voice you have, if you can’t sing Don’t Stop Believing, stop believing you can sing it. Sweet Home Alabama is a great song to sing, not too high not too low. Don’t be a hero.

Pick a song you would play at a party
The party test: A song you’d play at a packed party, if you wouldn’t do that, don’t do it in karaoke. That quirky song only you know and love? Fun for you, but 3 minutes of awkwardness for the crowd.

Know the verses of the song
If you don’t know the verses of a rap song, don’t do it.

Musical measures are the enemy
A long guitar solo is a long you solo

Karaoke DJ is The Soup Nazi
Hand them your slip, a tip and walk away (they’ll never be your friend)

Adapt to your Audience
Pick something the audience would like, not just something you want to sing.

Don’t forget to tip your K.J.

Marathon

These places were once a haven to those who enjoyed a stiff drink and a cig. Whether you are an occasional smoker, or have no regard for your personal well-being, you’ve chained smoked* at one of these places. You knew that as long as the bar was smokey, it was hip. Lame people would stay away from you, your favorite dive bar and just stay home. They wouldn’t want their pea coats and hair smelling like ash trays.

Fact: Smoking an American Spirit goes hand-in-hand with a Pabst Blue-Ribbon.

There are many in society who associate second-hand smoke with lung cancer and wrinkly skin. With these health risks comes an obligation to the well-being of an establishment’s employees. The representatives of our State legislature made the decision to create a smoke-free workplace. The State of Oregon wanted to protect wait staff, bartenders and cooks from the risk of catching the cancer. Ironic that 60% are smokers (that number jumps to 90% when they are drinking). I highly doubt the ones most affected by the ban were allowed to voice their opposition.

Fact: The previous paragraph’s percentage numbers were based on zero research.  They were, however, well thought out.

Ultimately, patrons that bitched about the smokey atmosphere in their favorite bars led to the ban. This move will likely cut into their dive bar’s profit margin and precious video poker dollars. Oregon loses tax revenue from the sales of cigarettes and lottery. The smaller, neighborhood joints won’t be able to afford to stay open every night. Karaoke performances will become uninspired and empty without the vocally-trained hipster. Breathe easy, Portland, as this is not the end. Thanks to all the fat people in Oregon, we’ll probably see a fast-food ban soon.

BarFlyMag.com has created a list of the smoking/smoker friendly bars in Portland:
www.barflymag.com/features/SM.html

*Smoke a lot of cigarettes back to back to back… Definition courtesy of Urban Dictionary

Sends us into the Portland Inclement Weather Pandemonium!

Four (five in some areas) days off of school for the kids. Chain requirements on the local highways. Insufferable stories from our local news stations (No, I do not need to see the snow accumulation on your disc thermometer to know it is snowing.) And horrible, horrible driving.

Everyone in Portland has seen it. “Portland Pilgrim” from Georgia moved here to work a creative job in some e-business. They go out and buy a 4Runner because its consider “extreme,” load it up with studded tires, and on the first snow of the year, they head out and immediately get stuck in a ditch. 4WD does not mean you get free license to be a tool. In most snow/ice situations, cautious, slow driving will keep you out of trouble.

The only good thing about the arctic blast is that there are fewer cyclist on the road.

PS- Here’s a good winter car prep list from Cartalk
www.cartalk.com/content/features/WinterDriving/

Serving as Mayor from 1993 to 2005, Katz is consider one of the best in Portland’s history. Unfortunately, she became unable to run for for Mayor due to medical reasons, and the entire City of Portland lost an important leader.* In an effort to immortalize Katz for her public service, a statue was unveiled on the Waterfront in 2003. The creepiest statue ever sculpted.

As you approach, you aren’t quite sure exactly what the small figure is.  Is it a weary jogger?  Is it a small child?  Is it a transient?  Not, it’s Vera.  Seated in the “Listener” position, Katz welcomes all who pass by on the Eastbank Esplanade.  The statue has the basic likeness of the Mayor, but non of the charm.  Undoubtedly, the Katz statue has been a victim of public affection from the denizens who jog by. I encourage you to visit Vera’s statue and experience the magic for yourself.

*The next mayor was Mr. Irrelevant, Tom Potter

Let us hark back to the first time I ever tasted Panda Express’ Orange Chicken. It was back in college and probably, like many of us, began with a wicked hangover. A dorm mate suggested we try this light remedy he heard that others had enjoyed before him… it involved a thick, sweet, chicken-battered dumpling. One hit and I knew I found not only the best hangover cure, but the single best chicken food item ever. I became addicted. Since that point, I would never order anything other than chow mein, black pepper chicken and orange chicken. For ten years, spanning most of Oregon, Idaho, Washington and California, I would enjoy this rare combination of awesome.

On Sunday, November 16th at 5:30 pm, I decided to pick-up my favorite cuisine at 1933 W Burnside. My precious tasted the same, and I savored every piece. Life was perfect. Within two and a half hours my stomach started to churn… and… well… we know what happened after that. I felt like death.

Panda Express has always delivered to me a quality product. This last experience, I realized why their plastic To-go-bag is so sturdy. It was a terrible lesson in how a customer’s experience can turn from love to hate so quickly. So to all my Asian friends, yes, you told me so.

With many politicians taking fashion risks to build their army of supporters – such as bow ties – Merkley decided to opt-out of such petty campaigns. Working on a secret strategy to unfold upon the nation, he built a steady resume including stints at the Office of the Secretary of Defense, Congressional Budget Office, Habitat for Humanity and eventually as Oregon House Rep for east Portland District 47. Growing in power, Merkley had finally reached the appropriate size.

Past the age of 50, and with an adequate amount of political experience, Merkley was prepared to unleash his secret weapon. With both eyebrows now at full capacity, Jeff was able to will each one to display sympathetic looks that all Oregonians could embrace. “Left-Eyebrow Lopez” was 3 1/4 inches long, weighing in at 2 oz. “Fro-brow” had hit the 4 inches mark, destroying the previous World Record held by the left brow of Tim Kaine, Governor of Virginia.

Throughout the 2008 election season, Portlanders were given the chance to see these Politicatipillers in action. With each commercial, anti-Merkley ad, debate and TV appearance, Merkley would will his expressive and domineering browwarmers to charm the city of Portland. Fro-brow would always stand 2 centimeters above Left-Eyebrow Lopez to add just enough genuine sympathy to each word Merkley spoke. It worked. Merkley defeated the 12-year Oregon incumbent to became a United States Senator.  The eyebrows crept up the forehead, giddy with excitement.

Jeff Merkley was able to control Multnomah county with this new mystical power. Next stop, United States… and then the World.

Although Tigard claims to be “just outside of Portland”, once you get out of the city, you won’t find Tigard for at least another twenty minutes, and that’s without the horrific cluster f**k of traffic – which is usually worse than downtown traffic. If you live in this time warp of traffic and are trying to get anywhere (even somewhere else in Tigard) plan on the trip taking at least 25 minutes. Other cities that have traffic problems (Seattle, New York, LA) at least have a reason for it – a.k.a. there are lots places in those cities that people actually want to go.

There’s no way this applies to Tigard – where the main attraction is the Washington Square mall. It may be one of the highest grossing malls in the US, but that doesn’t make it any better – it might just make it more depressing. It’s been there since the 70′s and has included the standard department stores ever since. Another main staple of Washington Square is the ‘Teen Section’ that includes McDonald’s, Hot Topic, Zumiez, and Claire’s. Here’s where the term “mallrat” was coined and still thrives, with 7th graders in plenty of punk/gothic garb. The mall did recently make some upgrades, including adding parking structures (because I want to fight for a covered parking space, not just an outdoor one). They also added some “higher end” retails stores such as Sephora, Pottery Barn and Pottery Barn…KIDS so that I can feel badly about myself and my “frugal nature” as I walk past them and their snobby employees to get to Forever 21.

The addition of the Cheesecake Factory to Washington Square also proved exciting, since the other restaurants in Tigard cater mainly to the family with 239,842,034 kids and/or the retirement crowd, with Rudy Tuesdays, Elmer’s, TGIFriday’s and Red Robin being some of the finest.

How about the nightlife? This is not referring to Downtown Tigard, as some might assume. Downtown Tigard consists of one street full of dilapidated storefronts – Café Allegro is the only business among them that anyone has actually heard of, and that’s only because they assault you with direct mail coupons with every chance they get. No, the nightlife in Tigard is mostly made up of the Bars on 99 (Pacific Hwy), such as Mixers (bad karaoke, hip-hop and Suburban Sluts), The Steelhorse (where the “bartenders” are over-tanned, over-dyed brunettes wearing chaps and hot pants) and Gators (more bad karaoke, this time closer to Fred Meyer). They’re great for a night out if you’re sick of the meat market of downtown nightlife, but inevitably have that ‘one creepy guy’ who stares at you from across the bartop, over his… well… scotch, and then, after watching you for half an hour, gets the guts to come over and awkwardly start a conversation – always with the intro “what’s that you’re drinking?”. He’s always a glossy-eyed 45-55 year-old divorced guy, very interested in what you do for a living, and the rest of your 20-something life that you’re not missing out on like he did, and most likely works as an insurance agent (or other unfulfilling financial-type job). There’s really nothing more creepy than being hit on half because he thinks you’re attractive and half because you remind him of his daughter.

Tigard will always remain a massive void in Willamette Valley ready to suck in families looking for more affordable housing. Without any relevance to the surrounding Portland area, people will forever “ugh” people that live in Tigard. So cheers to those brave enough to live in such a sucky city.

I know it’s shocking… but not all of these “gorgeous”-yet-alternative girls actually get paid to take it off for the camera. They may claim to be, yet truth be told there are still less than 1,900 certified SG girls.

SuicideGirls.com began in 2001 in a Portland loft. Since that time they have built the brand and now have over 1 million unique visitors a week and more than 300,000 subscribers. (Please read subscribers as: Fat men living in parent’s basements that can pony up $4/month to see real boobs on their 32″ computer monitor, or guys with fetishes.) For a site that prides themselves on being an alternative subculture they sure are commercialized; SG has a magazine, a MySpace (one of the most popular pages btw), clothing line, DVDs, books, etc.

UrbanDictionary.com provides an entertaining, possibly partially true explanation of SuicideGirls:
(noun) orig. Portland, Oregon. 1) soft porn website/community made famous for being outside the realm of traditional beauty because instead of fake blonde hair models have fake pink hair and do not yet menstruate. Also notable for allowing models to feel rebellious by using using their looks for attention, a feat never been attempted by women prior to the site’s inception.

2) also known as the site that rendered the word “empowerment” completely meaningless.

The process to be accepted to submit your photos to SG girls is quite simple… Send them hot photos of yourself, naked or not and then wait for an email that says you are in fact hot enough or not. You then create a profile and submit your model release and tax form and then voila you are ready to then send your photo sets in. This is where they obviously get picky seeing as they only have 1,879 models globally (as of 10/20).

Let’s recap: Sending your nakey photos, and having a whorish/cute/edgy nickname, do not in fact make you a SuicideGirl.

It is quite easy to spot these wannabe SuicideGirls, here is a quick checklist:

• Piercings
• Tattoos
• Revealing clothing
• One word moniker
• Bad ass chick attitude, pushover conformist at heart
• Claim to live life dangerously, yet more than likely go home to their long term bf’s and cats

Love ‘em or not SuicideGirls have a presence in Portland, however it is not nearly at the level at which the aspiring “pin ups” want you to believe.